Can't give up....until now

I have always held the printed word on a pedestal. I mean c'mon, someone had to think what you wrote was worthy of being printed and distributed; especially a book. Relax, I realize this is an outdated concept but it was one that was hard for me to break away from.

Books were a big deal in our house. We bought many, rummaged for them, collected them, got them autographed whenever possible. Authors were sought out not rock stars. Although, I do remember standing in line very young for Big Bird's autograph. I think I got a yellow feather as a souvenir.

So in part because of all of that, we took care of the books. We used bookmarks. We did not fold corners down to save the page. We did not write in them or underline anything in them. We had a small memo book where you could jot anything down and refer to it when you wanted. You could even put that sheet of paper in the book but don't write in the book.

It was also ingrained in me to read the whole book. I would complain, it's boring. Finish it, it gets better was always the response. I don't understand it all, I'm confused were other excuses to put the book down that I tried. Only to be told read the whole thing and we'll talk about it. It should explain itself by the time you are done.

With all that forced reading of entire books during my childhood, I was ill prepared to stop myself from reading a book that simply doesn't engage me. I'm all grown up now and I would force myself to read the entire book because well, its got to get better right, it will explain itself soon. But there are some books that I just don't understand why anyone bothered to waste their time coming up with all those thoughts and wasting all that paper. Seriously.

Recently, I let myself stop reading a book. Granted I was already 100 pages into the book but I was beginning to avoid reading altogether and decided it was the material not the pastime. So, I stopped. I felt guilty. What if this was the chapter that it all turned around? Oh the stress. I forced myself to pick up another book and oh, no here we go again. This one is not working for me either. That's two in a row. Is it me? What am I going to do?

As a pre-teen I was forced to sit and read but I sit and read now all on my own with no one making me for pleasure. I can't imagine not reading books. So, I let myself stop again. Now I study my To Be Read shelves carefully. Please let me pick a winner. I don't know if I can handle a third strike. I cautiously pick an author I have never read, critically acclaimed, and recommended by friends. Here we go. Oh my, praise the monks who transcribed the first bibles, I'm hooked. I picked a winner.

I didn't strike out. It's not me it was the book. So, at this stage in my life I am still learning. Life is too short to waste on a bad book. I don't have to read the whole book because seriously anyone can put something out there to be read these days. I'm just saying... ;)

Mindful of Giving

I know yesterday I said this would be more than a place to journal about me but bear with me. Baby steps people.

I also know that in the past I have blogged endlessly about doing things for others and how that makes me feel good. Trite. I know. But seriously, learning, teaching, giving, creating, doing for another I have honestly come to the true realization that those are the things that make me happy, content, and feel satisfied.

So, many times I feel like I didn't do enough. I should be doing more. I recently shared this feeling with a friend and she pointed me to a book she heard about. I ordered the book last night and surfed around the website, 29-Day Giving Challenge.

From what I gather one of its main ideas is to Be Mindful. At least that's what spoke to me as I was looking through it. In that vain I am going to try to reflect daily on how I have given that day so that I can be more mindful of my happy moments and be grateful for them.

Moments yesterday:
I bought coffee for the office because I knew we were low and all need our fix. I held the door open for a man carrying a stack of boxes and offered to help so he could make it down the stairs since the elevator wasn't working. He offered me the bag that was hanging from 2 fingers saying it would help him balance. He was very grateful.
I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and bought the ingredients to make Rice Crispy Treats for my son and then I made them.
I made a card for a friend who's struggling with health issues and pulled together the supplies to make a few others. I'm mailing the card today.
Hubby had a headache so I offered to massage his head to ease the pressure. Shared a good laugh because nice effort, poor execution didn't help at all as I truly have little strength in my hands.

A year later...

It's been over a year since I have posted but I have been thinking about it again lately. Coincidentally I have been running across articles and writing about 'listening to your inner voice' and 'going with the flow' and living the life you were meant to live' and all kinds of esoteric things like that.

The thing is every single time I read those kinds of things my mind wanders to my crafting, cooking, reading and writing. All creative things that I enjoy doing not that I particularly excel at any of it but it invariably brings me joy. Even when I the result ends up in the garbage that momentary frustration is still makes me feel good about me because I tried. I think I need to be creative. Seriously. I have precisely 1 bajillion projects in my head, I have started either literally or on paper approximately a ton of them and accomplished a handful of them. I think I need a little focus.

To that end I think blogging is a good place to start. It will help get the juices flowing again. So, I am jumping back on the band wagon and hopefully this time it will be more than just a journal of me. Maybe some short stories will pop out or an essay. Maybe you will just get a rant who knows. But I am going to dive in head first....tomorrow. Today, I sat on the edge and got my feet wet.

Spring Cleaning sort of

I cleaned out my closet this weekend. Well, that's not entirely true. I took out all the clothes, sorted through it, separated a few things for donation because even if it fit me I just didn't want to wear it anymore. I sorted the remaining items and out it all back in.

I sorted it first by size. I have clothes in 4 different sizes. Then within the size I sorted summer and winter which a very subtle distinction for most of my clothes here in Miami.

Any other year this project is undertaken I would have gotten rid of anything that didn't fit. But its different now. I am actually loosing weight. Three weeks ago I started taking a prescribed appetite suppressant and its working. So, theoretically, all of the doesn't fit clothes should fit eventually. And since its sorted by size it will be easy to find something to wear as I loose weight and presumably get rid of the larger size items. At least that's the plan right now but life's a moving target so I tend to write these things in sand not concrete.

Now, I said that I have 4 sizes which is technically true but the smallest size item is kept merely for sentimental reasons and truly I never expect to fit into again. So, I really only have wardrobe in 3 sizes. Now, we need to understand that wearing most of these items will depend on loosing the weight evenly top and bottom. LOL! And I have as of yet to start doing any exercising that would help in any way. I am toying with some local classes of Tai Chi and Zoomba. I am still looking into it and haven't committed to anything. We'll see how this goes.

This week the family is getting a cantina (pre-ordered food from a local cuban restaurant) so that I don't have to cook. I will tell you its not that its hard to cook for them and not eat it because the pills are doing their job and I'm not hungry but its ticking me off. I make all this food and then I can't enjoy it because I take a couple of bites and I'm full. I acknowledge that in that state of mind I am not the most pleasant person to be around. And so this week we are going to try to minimize that by pre-ordering the food for family-sanity sake.

April

Here we go it's April. Tonight I will make the birthday cards for the month and pull out the supplies for the gift making for this month. There isn't took much going on this month other than getting ready for May really. Actually what I will be doing the most of is picking people up and dropping them off at airports and seaports. It seems everyone is coming and going. I have already taken hubby to the airport today. On Saturday I pick up SIL and family from the seaport. Then I will hopefully be picking up hubby from the airport and the following week MIL from the airport.

Easter didn't require any making of anything because all of the small ones were away on vacations. The youngest child at the small family gathering was 17. And although some coaxed and teased to go hide in another room while we hid eggs, he didn't budge. There was no hunt this Easter. It was still nice.

Hubby who was here for the weekend headed back to NY for another 10 days. At least that's the plan but we already know that's a moving target so we will have to wait and see. I did send him back with a Thank You card for the folks at the deli he eats at (with the exception of his birthday) for indulging me with his birthday cupcakes.

May will be a busy month as 17 is graduating. There will be awards ceremonies, graduation mass, and the big day itself, and the party that we must have to celebrate the milestone. To that end I have to finish up his scrapbook. So, I will be doing lots of that in the days to come. I really want to get it all done. So, I will be organizing those things this evening as well.

I see an evening of planning and scheduling to make sure its all done it time.

Final Countdown

Only 10 more days 'till Christmas.

I thought I was done with all the shopping. I just needed to wrap and check off the list of names as I went along. That was until I started trashing my sewing gifts. Now I need to either go out and shop or come up with something else to make at this stage of the game. I am leaning towards restaurant gift cards. We shall see.

Last night I won a minor skirmish with the sewing machine but the war is far from over. I was able to produce 2 decent looking items out of 4 that were attempted. I only trashed 2 last night. People that's progress. Truly. They aren't done yet. I need to do some final hand stitching and press them before they are ready to give but I think they may be giftable (yes, I know that's not a word but it should be) and that pleases me to no end. You honestly can not imagine.

I think I am going to give it a rest tonight and finish the Christmas cards so that maybe people will get them before the end of the year. I will feel a sense of accomplishment and then I can go back to the sewing tomorrow. The goal is to be done before the weekend so that I can spend it doing the final baking. I give cakes as gifts to some neighbors and doctor's offices so they can be shared by many. So that's the plan but I always have a plan don't I just like last weekend when I wasn't going out and I didn't get home Sunday until close to 1:30 and lost half a day of doing stuff at home. Oh, well. I can only do what I can do. Gimme patience.

Sew Easy, NOT!

I am almost ready to give up. It is not coming to me. I have been trying off and on for months now. I have stitched, ripped and re-stitched I don't know how many seams. I have bought books, I have read instructions online, I have bought kits of things to make "in an hour" and worked on it forEVER to only end up trashing it. I have taken apart things I no longer fit in and not been able to put them back together. I am NOT getting this and I don't know why and I am getting very frustrated.
I was originally giving quite a few gifts sewn by moi for Christmas this year. So far, I have thrown out 4 and actually finished 1! I am going to do my darnedest to try and finish another one tonight. And then I think I will put the sewing machine away maybe forever or at least until I can take a class which at the rate I am going could be forever from now.
I keep being told that it's easy. Well, it's only easy if you know how to do it and I don't know how, so it's hard!
Gimme patience!

Delegate

Delegate:

–verb (used with object)
1. to send or appoint (a person) as deputy or representative.
2. to commit (powers, functions, etc.) to another as agent or deputy.

I am telling others to do this and don't do it enough myself. So, I thought I needed a little reminder as this (delegating) is not my best event in life.

I must learn to let some things go. I must learn that someone else can do this. I must learn that it is okay to not do it exactly as I would do it. I must learn to delegate.
Taking a deep breath...something I cannot delegate ;).

2-1/2 weeks

Hubby is jetting off to the Big Easy today for 2 1/2 weeks for work. I'm hoping that this time apart will bring us closer together. I already noticed a few things the past few days that make me think it might just happen that way. I don't know. We'll see. I have been scanning airfare to see if I can go up for Memorial weekend and maybe we could have a mini-vacation just the 2 of us. I don't know. We'll see. It's really not that long, 2-1/2 weeks.
When I told hubby that this time apart may bring us closer. He looked skeptical and I told him that old line that goes something like - If its love, set it free and it will come back to you- and he countered with - Out of sight, out of mind. We talked a little bit about it and I don't know, we'll see how things feel later, I guess.

I snuck in a List of Things To Do in his bag. I attached this list to a picture of the whole family from when we went to Key West last year. Here's the list.
1) Work lots and make lots of extra $. :)
2) Go sightseeing and find some places you want to show me.
3) Stroll Bourbon street, people watch and find a place to take me.
4) Try something new and tell me all about it.
5) Find and buy a birthday present for your wife.
6) Have FUN!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch I have an agenda full of things to do and I am trying to prioritize them and squeeze in some quality one-on-one time with 16. It's just the 2 of us and one car so we have to coordinate all our errands, obligations, responsibilities and socializing. It's the end of the school year for him so there are many events and projects and much studying for finals that's going on during this time.

It should be an interesting couple of weeks.

coffee and crying

With a headache and bleary-eyed I am drafting this before I head to work. I'm not sure how much I slept last night. I know that I dozed off and on but it feels like I only slept a few minutes before that dang alarm rang this morning.
Coffee with some girlfriends last night was serendipitous. Earlier in the evening to be honest I didn't feel like going but I was giving someone else a ride and felt quasi-obligated. Our conversation went around to paranormal and to funerals and the passing of ourselves and loved one - without me telling any of them about the funk I have been in nor of the correlation that hit me about my mother's death and age. I hugged them and told then that it had been cathartic our coffee time together. Truly I already felt a little better. I felt lighter, a bit at peace. I don't know why. There were no new revelations about anything, no insights garnered. Just talking and listening to my girlfriends. It was good. I was, and am, very glad I went.
I then went home and just let my thoughts wander and roam backwards and forwards in time (mostly backward) and I cried. And cried. I dozed. And I cried.
This morning. It's hard to explain. I am tired, drained but at the same time lighter. It's the oddest thing. My head is throbbing in pain but I feel relief at the same time.
****
When I got to the office I sent an email to advise that soon I was taking a day off for some more doctor appointments. As I typed out the email I realized the appointments are on the anniversary of my mother's passing. A chill went up my spine and then I started laughing, the irony is not lost on me at all. I think it is more on the freaky side of things but there ya go.
So, how this all explains the way I've been feeling? I dunno. How do I get past all this? I dunno. One day at a time, I guess. Gimme patience and thank God for my girlfriends who were there for me and didn't even know it.

Walking

In case you haven't met me. I am overweight. Fine. I will 'say' it, according to the definition I am obese. There it is. Of course, I have known this for years. It's not like I can't see myself and I don't own a mirror. Regardless, it's not fun to say which means it bears saying again. I am obese. I need to loose weight. A large amount of weight. I am not prepared yet to put that figure in writing. Suffice it to say that it's a 3 digit number. Exactly. Ugh!.

So, here I am publicly saying these things because I need to force myself to do something about it. I have always been relatively healthy. But the past couple of years although my traditional Western medicine doctor said everything was fine my Doctor of Oriental Medicine (DOM) said that I was borderline. His range is more narrow than the range western docs use and so I already knew that I was leaning towards the usual stuff that goes with my obesity such as high blood pressure and diabetes. I have not been officially diagnosed with either yet but this year my Western medicine doctor said that I was pre-all these things. So, I need to act now to see if its not too late to prevent them.

I need to eat healthier more importantly eat less and exercise. Now, I have been on a bajillion diets in my lifetime since jr. high and I can attest to the fact that every single one works. You loose weight on all of them. I have lost hundreds if not thousands of pounds. The problem is I keep finding them and a few more each time I stop said diet. I need to just eat less because even too much of a good thing is not good.

So, in that vein a few minor changes were immediately made. I bought 2% milk for my morning cafe con leche. I am cleaning out the cupboard of bad (starchy) veggies such as peas which I seem to have a lot of and get rid of the fruit juice. When given the choice I'd rather eat my sugar not drink it thank you. I even measured out the rice for dinner and in prepping the leftovers for lunch.

Now, let's not all get crazy here. I have done it for 2 days. WooHoo! I know. Talk to me in a week or a month and we'll see. Anyway, I have to start.

The big news is yesterday I walked. I actually changed my clothes when I got home from work in stead of plopping in front of the TV to absorb the A/C and walked for 45 minutes. My son says that my route was just shy of 2 miles. He's the runner, he should know I really didn't care. I was exhausted and gratefully absorbing the A/C propped up against the sofa on the cold tile floor when he was calculating. Actually, he was very supportive. He gave me his old iPod, loaded like 60 songs on it while I changed and showed me how to work it before I set out. He checked the time before I left and said he didn't want to see me for at least 1/2 hour that I didn't even need to take keys, he'd be there. Sweet huh?

Today is day 2 and I already didn't have my oatmeal fro breakfast (which really fills me). I had a bagel that someone brought in for the office. That's the bad news. I guess the good news is in the past I would have had 3, one for breakfast, one for snack and one with lunch. I have only had the one for breakfast and now I had the lunch I prepared from home. I have a banana for snack later and then only dinner to worry about.

I plan on walking again when I get home today even though there was a point yesterday I didn't think I'd make it but in my head I just keep saying, you can't just stop and sit down here, you have to get home. We'll see how far I get. It's hot out. It was hot yesterday but gratefully there was an occasional breeze that helped a bit. I may try another route. I think we need more shade trees in my neighborhood. I'm just saying the heat and the sun in these parts is brutal.

I have been thinking about setting some goals to keep me motivated and on track maybe a few big ones and a bunch of little ones. I don't know. We'll see. I need to think about it some more.

A New Year

Hubby and I have been having some ups and downs or I guess it would be better described as down and ups with the ups never quite coming back up to speed. Anyway, I am exhausted mentally and emotionally this morning because yesterday we had one of those talks. You know the ones, the ones where you talk/rant/cry for hours. I'm so drained. I hope some good comes out of it. We've basically agreed to give it (read:us) one more try. He even set a deadline. One Year. So a year from now we will either be happy/content enough to be forever or we will separate and move on.
I realize that we have said this type of thing before. We have said that we are going to try certain things and it never lasts very long. But this time the difference is that there's a finite end, a finish line if you will at which time progress will be measured. See, hubby is a numbers guy and it may help if he has those concrete things, tangible goals, dates etc. Let's see how this experiment in us goes. You may hear about it, you may not. It depends on my mood.
I don't expect everything to be peaches and cream all the time. Honest, that's not my expectation of a marriage. I know that nothing can maintain a perpetual high. And I am not blaming hubby for the way things are. I acknowledge my part in this dance and so I am going to do what he asks and give it this year of reconnecting -- it takes two to tango.
Maybe I'll start this afternoon by letting him in on my words for the year: comfort & joy. Today I wish I had a few more hours of sleep to recharge from last night.

Only good stuff..

I'm only going to write about how the weekend started because it ended horribly with a big fight with hubby that is still having after effects. But I'm not writing about that so let me move on.

Friday night we went with friends to my kids high school's football playoff game. I have no children playing in this game, 19 was on the sidelines rooting on his former teammates and 16 had taken off with other friends to the State Meet for Cross Country. The football team lost. They didn't play well at all. They lost against the same team they have lost to for that past 2 years. Oh, but I'm only writing about the good stuff, so let me move on.

Saturday I picked up a friend VERY early in the morning to go to a local Craft Fair that used to be much bigger than what it was this past Saturday but it was still nice. We met other friends there and had a lovely time, strolling around looking at all the wares and picking it up saying I like this but its how much, I could make that (but I don't) but since I can, I don't buy it. I love going through it all and seeing what everyone has made, their creativeness. It's inspiring. It soothes my soul. I think it has something to do with the fact that as a kid my mother and I used to go to all those Church bazaars and craft festivals they have up north. It's not a Miami thing. This Harvest Fest is the closest thing to it. So it feels good and comforting to go even though I hardly buy anything any more.

One of the cutest things that made me laugh were the Florida snowmen. It was Styrofoam balls (2) glued together to be a snowman but they were covered in sand! and were wearing beachwear. They were adorable! Of course, I didn't buy any because, I can make those.

The Cross Country team won the State Championship. 16 is so thrilled and he didn't even run. He was part of the team during the year but wasn't the top 7, so he didn't make States but he's thrilled and may get a ring.

Then Sunday I, nevermind I'm only writing about the good stuff...

Dots of the in-between stuff

In between work, hospital and regular home stuff I have managed to do some other things (not sure how) and here they are:

* Made a strawberry pie. It was low on strawberries because I didn't realize it called for so many and the kids have been picking at the pints in the fridge but it was still good, quite tasty. I want to make another one this weekend with the bajillion strawberries it calls for.

* I finished one book (The Geography of Bliss) and started another (The Last Lecture). Reviews will follow.

* I made a dress for my niece. She's 5. It's a sun dress. Don't think wow! now she can sew or anything. Frankly it was 2 seams. One up the side and the other the hem. BUT the hem came out real nice I doubled it over so there wouldn't be any fraying edge. It was good practice and helped me get familiar with my machine. I should take a picture and post it. Hmmm...maybe this weekend.

* I saw a few movies from NetFlix...Rent and La Vie En Rose. LOVED both of them. Hubby actually sat through both of them with me and didn't hate them. He didn't love them but he got through them. Yes, that was 2 movies in a row that were basically for me but remember it's June and June is mine.

* I have been delivering Orchids and Bromiliads that 15s Cross Country team is selling as a fundraiser. I thought it was clever. Would have been nice to do it before Mother's Day we could have sold a ton on Orchids then. As it is we've done very well. We are hoping that it will defray the costs of a trip they want to take this summer.

Can't think of anything else. I want to work on pictures this weekend. I want to put some on a CD for my brother and mail it along with the dress. If I do that, make the pie and get some rest in between GM's drama it will be a good weekend.

And in case you are interested, the sun is out and the headache is gone!

Kiss the ground

Saturday we went to hubby's aunt's house to see the MIL and give her the bday present we forgot to take to the Keys. 15 drove. He drove with all 4 of us in the car. for the first time. all 4 of us.

18 and I were sitting in the back. I try to just sit there and breath and tend to close my eyes. Hubby was instructing (read: quietly watching) shot gun. 18 says he doesn't want to do that again! He says now he understands how I was in the car with him. Mind you 15 is doing fine. But when you are in the car with a new driver you feel very out of control and you don't have the sense that they will stop when and how you want them too or that they know when and how to use the gas and brake pedal like you do. It can be very unnerving to say the least. When we got out of the car at aunt's house. 18 made a production of getting out of the car and throwing himself to the ground and kissing it. 15 just rolled his eyes and laughed saying "you're not home yet!". 18 got up put his arm around 15 and told him he did fine, he just doesn't want to test his heart that way again. They laughed there way into the house. It was nice to watch. Then 18 put his arm around me and said "I don't know how you did it for me and now you are doing it again. It must be hard." I told him it's the hardest thing you do as a parent; handing you kid the keys to the car and letting them go out into that crazy world. Yes, I am doing it again. What choice do we have? It must be done. Gimme patience.

TGIF!

It's Friday. I'm glad. I'm tired. It's been a busy week here at work.
Today after work I am rushing to a girlfriend's house to catch the tail end of a lesson on making Pastel de Guayaba. It was a last minute thing and you I will post about it later. I want to finish an embroidery project I'm doing. I want to put some pictures on CDs for my dad, brother and another friend. I want to print out pictures from graduation. I want to work on some scrapbook pages. I want to watch a movie or 2 cuz they are relaxing. I want to bathe the dog. I want to cook or bake something out of the ordinary. I have a dentist appointment on Saturday and I think 18 want to go college clothes shopping on Sunday.

We'll see what gets done. I'm thinking not half of that will get done.

I fell off the edge but I'm getting back up now...

Where have I been? you ask. I know you didn't really ask but this is my blog, so there. I have been struggling. Struggling with obligation, guilt, responsibility, sacrifice all those types of words...


I won't get into details because I know it will turn into a tirade and well I'm not doing that. Suffice it to say that GM is testing every fiber of my being. Friends have commented to me that I'm quite and they can tell something's wrong. I am really trying people. They say it's a ll a matter of outlook, attitude, happiness is a decision we make when we get up in the morning. It's hard people. I'm really trying. What my gut tells me I should be doing she doesn't want me to do. I think I should be her go to person, there to help her burden, her emergency contact, her helper in all things. I am none of those things because she doesn't want me to be. I don't think it's that I am hurt by it. I am truly struggling because I think I have an obligation and responsibility to be those things and I don't know how to do it when she doesn't want it. I have also been told by more than one Dr. over the years that all this strife that I have over her is making my physically unwell. OK, I'm rambling already and I didn't want to do that. You can only lead a horse to water, you can't make him drink. And GM doesn't even want to go near the water because I filled the trough. I don't know what she wants/expects from me and I truly think I just need to let go. I have been telling myself that for 3 weeks now. It's not easy. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I'm trying. I'm really trying. I'm trying to do this and not feel like I'm failing. I have ordered some self-help books that have been recommended to me to help me through this and my next step is therapy which I am seriously considering if I feel like this much longer.
So, I am putting on a smile and focusing on my kids and on myself...things that make me happy...things that make me feel good about me....still praying for patience...taking baby steps.