Wednesday, April 30, 2008

White space

There is very little white space on my calendar for like the next 3 weeks. It seems there's something to do every day and the days that there isn't I have to do something to get ready for one of the upcoming things.

This week last night was the empty night which I spent cutting up graduation pictures to hand out at the family brunch I am having. Designing and printing the invitations and addressing the graduation announcements. I also reviewed some college forms for my son for the housing and class selection that need to be mailed out and made hotel reservations for our trip up in August AND for Family Weekend in October because some of the hotels were already sold out!
I bagged some of the boys old clothes to give to SIL when I see her on Mother's Day for her boys and cleared out my emails that I hadn't read in a few days.

But in the nest 3 weeks we have: State Track Meet (of course in another city, thereby requiring travel), awards dinner, prom, graduation mass, graduation & grad lunch, family brunch, Mother's Day, MILs birthday, plus all the regular every day life stuff! Tonight it's coffee night. I can't wait to see my girlfriends, they always help recharge me.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Time out!

I gave myself a timeout this weekend. Well, at least Saturday. Hubby and 15 went to a NFL Draft Party and then tickets to the Bon Jovi concert so they left at 1:00 and wouldn't be back until the wee hours. 18 went to Orlando on Friday for Grad Bash so I expected him to sleep in and then to go watch The Draft at a friend's house. At least that was his plan.
So, at noon I had plans to learn how to make Natilla and then just hang out at home all by myself. I was going to putz around on the computer and print some picture to do some light scrapbooking, cook and freeze some meals, and watch old movies that I had recorded on the big screen TV! Ah, the best laid plans....

Natilla class went great. YUMMY! and then I went home and 18 was sprawled on the sofa half asleep with the draft on. Are you going to stay home, I asked him (to rearrange my plans)? No, I 'm just watching the draft. Well, no biggie, I had other things to do. I went to the kitchen and took out all the meats that I wanted to thaw so I could cook later. I putzed around on the computer and sent some pictures to print online because I didn't have enough ink for the printer, so there goes the light scrapbooking. No problem. I cleaned out my wallet and wrote a note to the cleaning lady for Monday about some things I wanted her to focus on since I am having people over after graduation in a few weeks. I called my SIL and we chatted a while, it was her bday. I took a shower. It's now 5:30. 18 is asleep on the sofa. I start to change the channel. He wakes up: NO! I'm watching the draft.
Me: No, you are sleeping with the draft on. Why don't you watch it in bed?
18: Because then I will fall asleep for sure. -Apparently he was asleep for maybe on the sofa.
Me: Well, I have a movie I'd like to watch, can you please watch it in the room because I want to cook while I watch it.
18: Why can't I watch TV in MY OWN HOUSE IN PEACE?! - apparently he paid the mortgage off while I was cleaning out my wallet. He's grumpy, hasn't slept. I take a deep breath
ME: Well, you had said you were going to a friends and I made plans. I already switched them around and you have had this TV for over 2 hours. Now, I think it's my turn. There are 3 other TVs in the house. You can watch on one of those.
18: harrumphs and drags his body off the sofa and goes to his room.
I begin to cook and watch Masterpiece Theater's Emma. In mid saute, 18 stomps out of the house stating he's going to Friend's house. I let it roll off and continue cooking. I made Italian meatballs and froze enough for 1 dinners, I made steak burritos, set one aside for dinner, set 3 aside for 18 for dinner and froze the rest (8), I made Sloppy Joe mixture for lunch for Sunday all while watching Emma then Miss. Austin Regrets and then the 2nd part of Sense and Sensibility.

In the middle of it all 18 did come home for dinner in a much better mood. I paused the movie and he ate the burritos while I continued in my cooking. We chatted about Grad Bash, he talked to about the Draft, and I reminded him and he called his aunt for her bday. I finished up my cooking and sat to finish watching Austin Regrets and he tossed himself on the sofa to watch some. Mumbled something about how anyone could watch this and showered to go to a party.
Alone again. I cleaned up the kitchen and watched the rest of the movies while crocheting.
SO RELAXING! It was wonderful. It was recharging. I really needed that. I didn't think, I didn't try to solve any problems, or plan anything. I just relaxed and cooked, watched movies and crocheted. PERFECT.
Then came Sunday and I had to think and do responsible stuff. But I don't' want to think about that. Reliving Saturday is much nicer.

Friday, April 25, 2008

I fell off the edge but I'm getting back up now...

Where have I been? you ask. I know you didn't really ask but this is my blog, so there. I have been struggling. Struggling with obligation, guilt, responsibility, sacrifice all those types of words...

I won't get into details because I know it will turn into a tirade and well I'm not doing that. Suffice it to say that GM is testing every fiber of my being. Friends have commented to me that I'm quite and they can tell something's wrong. I am really trying people. They say it's a ll a matter of outlook, attitude, happiness is a decision we make when we get up in the morning. It's hard people. I'm really trying. What my gut tells me I should be doing she doesn't want me to do. I think I should be her go to person, there to help her burden, her emergency contact, her helper in all things. I am none of those things because she doesn't want me to be. I don't think it's that I am hurt by it. I am truly struggling because I think I have an obligation and responsibility to be those things and I don't know how to do it when she doesn't want it. I have also been told by more than one Dr. over the years that all this strife that I have over her is making my physically unwell. OK, I'm rambling already and I didn't want to do that. You can only lead a horse to water, you can't make him drink. And GM doesn't even want to go near the water because I filled the trough. I don't know what she wants/expects from me and I truly think I just need to let go. I have been telling myself that for 3 weeks now. It's not easy. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I'm trying. I'm really trying. I'm trying to do this and not feel like I'm failing. I have ordered some self-help books that have been recommended to me to help me through this and my next step is therapy which I am seriously considering if I feel like this much longer.
So, I am putting on a smile and focusing on my kids and on myself...things that make me happy...things that make me feel good about me....still praying for patience...taking baby steps.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Book Review

I finished reading Into Thin Air by John Krakauer. It's a true story about a Mt. Everest expedition gone bad. Obviously, he survives and writes the book but not everyone climbing that season was that lucky.
It was tough to read because well it's real. There are some very technical parts. I read more about ice climbing than I ever thought I would in this life time and yet I remember very of those details because I think that's when my eyes would glass over.
Typically I read during lunch. Someone who sees me read often actually stopped and asked me "Is it that bad?" I just looked up at him and didn't know how to respond and he went on to say "Your forehead is all scrunched up, your shoulders are tense. I've heard you laugh out loud and even seen you cry while reading but you look like this is painful." I explained what the book was about and he just thought I should read something more enjoyable. I took a deep breath, rolled out the kinks in my shoulders and plodded on slowly up the South Col of Everest.
The story itself is interesting and I guess by my physical reaction while reading, it was written well enough to put me there on the great mountain. But I can't say I enjoyed it. It just wasn't my cup of tea. If you like high adventure books, then this is for you but honestly, I probably could have been satisfied watching an interview. I will recommend this to few people because I don't think it's for just anyone.