Monday, June 29, 2009

PJs in the afternoon

Do you remember lazy summer days as a kid sleeping in until afternoon and having breakfast when the rest of the world was already digesting lunch? Not a care in the world. Go to the pool, if you want. Watch TV, if you want. Walk over to a friend's house and play, if you want. Not a care in the world. A time way back when there was a summer vacation, no responsibilities. Ahhh...I remember.

I came as close as I am going to come to reliving that this weekend. I did ALL of my errands and met all of my obligations on Saturday. I mean ALL of them. Everything got done. All that adult responsible stuff: banking, groceries, visits, sundry shopping, laundry, closet cleaning, house cleaning etc. I, (read: hubby and I) did a lot on Saturday. We didn't really plan it. We just both got up had a quick breakfast with minimal coordinating of if you are going here get this and that type of talk and then we both took off. Of course, by the time we were done we felt like we had gone through the wringer. My back hurt, my feet hurt, I was plum tired. We ordered dinner and watched a couple of movies and some TV shows we had recorded. That was the beginning of the unwind.

After showers and ordering dinner, we looked at each other and asked what else do we have to do? Nothing. I don't think either of us could believe it. I actually went and checked all the hampers to make sure they were empty and they were. WOW! Then we realized we could sleep in on Sunday. I was giddy that I'd even be home to fix a nice Sunday breakfast, like I used to once upon a time. So we sat and vegged in front to of the TV. I lasted a couple of hours then thought there must be something I have to do. I ended up giving myself a manicure while still watching TV.

Sunday was lovely! I woke up late (10am- that's sleeping in!), made coffee, pancake batter etc and waited for someone else to wake up for breakfast while watching From Here To Eternity. By 11:30 I made myself breakfast everyone else was still asleep. And then I realized it was almost noon on a Sunday and I still had my PJs on. OMG! I can't even remember when the last time was that happened. The others woke up and had breakfast and we just laid on the sofa watching TV. I didn't shower and dress until 4:00 because I was going to dinner with some girlfriends. I still don't believe it. I felt so relaxed after dinner. We were home early (a little after 9pm) and by 9:30 I was back in my PJs. I needed that. I think I need to schedule more white space in my life to truly do nothing.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Father's Day baking and cooking

On this recessionary Father's Day I decided to bake for the dads. So, for my dad I baked up a batch of slightly burnt (that's how he likes them and yes I already confirmed years ago that this wasn't just something he told his young daughter to console her but he honestly like the taste of the overly browned cookies) sugar cookies. Of course the fun was when I gave them to him in a Christmas tin because it's what I had on hand. It gave us a laugh and he promised to return it so that I could refill it for Christmas.

I also made a Lemon Meringue Pie. It's one of hubby's favorites and I haven't made it in I think like 20 years. He didn't think it had been that long but I think he's confusing Key Lime and Lemon Meringue. The meringue did separate slightly from the crust but the filling didn't weep or separate so it still looked OK. And it was tasty if I do say so myself and I'm not a really big fan. I just had a little piece to taste it.

I also attempted to make a Lemon cake that was trashed. I have no idea what I did wrong. I'm sure I forgot a key ingredient or two because it didn't bake right, it didn't set up like a cake. I didn't stress it, I just trashed it and kept going. I still have the recipe out and I WILL try it again and I WILL get it right.

After all of that, last night I did the first part in the preparing of Vaca Frita. I am making that tonight for some friends and 19s girlfriend who are all coming over for dinner. That means I had soup today for lunch because the first part is boiling the meat which produces an awesome beef stock to which I added a bunch of veggies and a bag of egg noodles. It is so good.

Next weekend I plan on sewing. Let's see how that works out.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Again and again

I know I haven't been posting much lately but I have been wallowing, languishing, freaking out, pulling myself up, shaking it off and then starting all over again and again and again. I get bursts of Ok and then trip over myself again. I really need it to stop.

I have been struggling of late with my birthday, my mother, her death, I am now the age my mother ever was right after she was diagnosed. At this point in her life, she had been diagnosed with a rare cancer, operated, not able to attend my wedding, was undergoing chemo and had been told she had 6 maybe 8 months to live if she was lucky. That was really hard to type.

I cannot imagine being in her position right now. There are so many things I want to see and do. It's freaking me out.

I am reading a book called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. It's comforting and heart wrenching at the same time. It's killing me slowly and making me stronger all at once. First and foremost its consoling me in that I'm not nuts. What I am feeling is normal and lots of women go through the same thing. Mourning isn't finite. I knew that but now I am reading bout other women going through it the same way. That's comforting. It's killing me because it's making me think and face some things that I hadn't until now which I guess is good but its hard. It's draining. It's exhausting.

I haven't cried this much in a long time. I can't read the book and not end up in tears. A story, a reference of something totally abstract will turn on my internal faucet and there ya go.

Visiting my GM has been much harder for me lately not because she's doing poorly or anything just because all these feelings are very raw right now. I have to force myself to do things like nothing's going on inside and yet I sneak a few tears here and a few tears there when I am by myself in an attempt to not burst into a puddle in front of other people. I thought that maybe writing about it would help a little but this is hard, the screen is blurry through my watery eyes. I need to be patient with myself. I think I need to find some real me time to let this whole thing happen and figure out how to deal with it a bit better. I am hoping the answer is in the yet unread portion of the book. Deep breath...close my eyes...deep my Now let me call dad and finalize weekend plans. Here we go!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Lukewarm or indifferent in religion or politics

That's what laodicean means. It was the final word in this year's Scripps National Spelling Bee and Kavya Shivashankar got it. I watched the final rounds and was thrilled I could spell 1 of the championship words - guayabera- woo hoo for me! I was stunned as I have been in the past as I watched these children spell words that I had never heard of before in my life. I think it's amazing.

I was also extremely thrilled that this was on prime time TV. Very cool. In a world where surviving a Japanese game show and bachelor/bachelorette reality shows are on their umpteenth seasons, it was truly refreshing that the National Spelling Bee competition was a main event. As I thought more on the topic it occurred to me that although it made the news (and unfortunately still is) the Miss USA pageant wasn't on prime time. If it was even on TV, I don't know. The advertisements weren't in my face that's for sure. I only knew it happened because of Miss. CA's response in the Q&A.

I remember watching all those pageants when I was a kid, mostly I think because it was the only thing on. I mean we only had 3 channels, remember. Now, I'm thinking it's a good sign that the Spelling Bee is a bigger deal than a beauty pageant. I'm happy that we are watching and encouraging kids to use their heads, words are important. Hmm...maybe Miss. CA could have used that lesson, then she would have been able to answer in a truthful yet perhaps less controversial way.

NOTE: I have to comment on the irony that the spellchecker did not recognize the contest winning word: laodicean. LOL!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Breathing, Sleeping - important things

Breathing is really important. You are thinking, DUH! Well, I know it's restating the obvious but when you have spent basically 3 weeks so congested that you sleep sitting up and it can hurt to open your eyes and swallowing takes effort because you are so dang tired of concentrating on breathing and swallowing it's a godsend when you can finally breathe clearly again. I'm just saying. Today is finally that day. It's the first morning I have ventured to not take any meds and don't feel like I am walking with my head in a cloud all day. I'm not 100% but I really am much much better. Breathing is a beautiful thing. I am grateful that I can breathe and sleep better.

Of course, now I am ready for the sleepless nights of summer. I know I bring it on myself, my children don't formally have finite curfews. I just need to know where they are. And so I don't sleep well in summer because since they don't have to get up early they can stay up late and by default I sleep in fits and keep waking to see where they are. We have a system. A light stays on in the front hallways and their doors are open. From bed I can lean over and see if the light is still on (everyone's not home) and the doors are open (no one is in the room) or closed (they are in and down for the night- yea!). My cell phone is on the night stand and periodically the vibrations wake me and let me know that someone is on the move advising me of the new location. Gratefully, even 19 still does this. I know the boy is in college and doesn't live here most of the year but like I tell him I just want to know. I'm not passing judgement and he's good with that. So, this morning when at 4:45 I got a text *sleeping at Friend's house, not coming home, luvya* I was finally able to fall into a deep solid sleep since 16's door had been closed since 12:30ish. Ahh, those wonderful sleepless summer nights. Here we go again and yet I wouldn't trade it for the world. Gimme patience mucho mucho patience.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Head fog

I have been sick as a dog for days. I am so congested! It hurt to even turn my head on the pillow. Yesterday I couldn't even open my eyes. Everything from my nose up was just plain stuffed and sore. I am marginally better today. Still stuffed but not as sore and therefore able to drag myself to work to catch-up and then rest this weekend.

Rest - hah! I have the CLAST exam to take tomorrow morning. May the math gods smile down on me tomorrow morning. Of all the weekends...oh, well, it is what it is. The entire test is like 41/2 hours so I'll take a few pencils, a box of tissues and many cough drops and hope for the best.

Then Sunday I will have to go see my grandmother for our weekly visit because well because she's my GM and I have to. enough said.

In between all that I hope to get some rest and plenty of fluids so that I can be ready for next week and catch-up with everything I missed this week. Gimme patience!

Monday, June 01, 2009

Brand Spanking New!

That's my new car! It's fantabulous! I love it! That's even the right color! Woo Hoo! Momma's got a brand new car!