Friday, April 25, 2008

I fell off the edge but I'm getting back up now...

Where have I been? you ask. I know you didn't really ask but this is my blog, so there. I have been struggling. Struggling with obligation, guilt, responsibility, sacrifice all those types of words...

I won't get into details because I know it will turn into a tirade and well I'm not doing that. Suffice it to say that GM is testing every fiber of my being. Friends have commented to me that I'm quite and they can tell something's wrong. I am really trying people. They say it's a ll a matter of outlook, attitude, happiness is a decision we make when we get up in the morning. It's hard people. I'm really trying. What my gut tells me I should be doing she doesn't want me to do. I think I should be her go to person, there to help her burden, her emergency contact, her helper in all things. I am none of those things because she doesn't want me to be. I don't think it's that I am hurt by it. I am truly struggling because I think I have an obligation and responsibility to be those things and I don't know how to do it when she doesn't want it. I have also been told by more than one Dr. over the years that all this strife that I have over her is making my physically unwell. OK, I'm rambling already and I didn't want to do that. You can only lead a horse to water, you can't make him drink. And GM doesn't even want to go near the water because I filled the trough. I don't know what she wants/expects from me and I truly think I just need to let go. I have been telling myself that for 3 weeks now. It's not easy. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I'm trying. I'm really trying. I'm trying to do this and not feel like I'm failing. I have ordered some self-help books that have been recommended to me to help me through this and my next step is therapy which I am seriously considering if I feel like this much longer.
So, I am putting on a smile and focusing on my kids and on myself...things that make me happy...things that make me feel good about me....still praying for patience...taking baby steps.

1 comment:

Hilda said...

I'm so sorry for what you're going through my fried. Although I never went through this situation, I totally understand the concept of "feeling responsible" for them.

But you already know intellectually that you can only do as much as she lets you, but I know that emotionally that's not enough.

Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. You are blessed with family and friends who love you and who will hold you up through this and anything.

Call when you need to...I'm here.