Friday, July 31, 2009


It's going to be gray and rain lots and lots on Sunday.

No I am not a Weather channel junkie. I have a headache. I have my bad weather is coming headache. It's like an allergy almost. I get it only when the front is coming in. I will be fine once the front gets here. I really can't explain it. It's a very specific pain and no amount of pain killers makes it go away completely. They can make it better but not gone. I just have to wait it out.

So that's been my day today. I shoulda been a weather bunny....

Monday, July 27, 2009

WOW, 17!

Yesterday my baby turned 17. WOW. I am getting old but this post isn't about that it's about him.

17 is a great kid. He is a true lover of life. He has an easy come easy go attitude. His a spiritual child and questions things quietly at the same time accepting that you can think and believe whatever you want. It's all good. By example he reminds me all the time NOT to sweat the small stuff and indeed it's all small stuff. I don't think this child knows what a dark cloud is. He ALWAYS sees the silver lining, the sunny side of things. That's a lesson that we could all take from him.
Once when he was in 2nd grade I was fuming at a report card. He failed PE. How do you fail PE? I don't even remember now but he did. As I was lecturing him on the lack of merit of his report card, he took it from me and looked at it thoughtfully and very calmly and matter of factly announced that it was great, he had gotten one of every letter. I was momentarily dumbstruck. All I could say was - that is NOT good, that is NOT the goal. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I think it's cool", as he walked away my ranting lecture rolling off of him like water off a slippery surface. I, being the nagging mother that I can be, didn't let it go. I followed him. I am after all the grown up here. I am the one that has wisdom to impart and guidance to lend to his life here so gosh darnit he was going to listen to my wisdom. I continued to explain that although there are many grades the goal was to get the higher ones not the lower ones. It's important to always do your best yadda yadda. He listen his bottom lip quivering slightly as if her were to burst into tears but he didn't. When my rant was over he very quietly asked, "What difference does it make if I get an F in PE as long as I go to 3rd grade? Who cares? I continued to argue with the then 7 year old and told him that I cared and that he should care because an F means he wasn't doing his best yadda yadda. He said he only cared that he was with his friends. They are going to 3rd grade and so was he. That was what was important, "God, family and friends" and he had all that. Well, he shut me up pretty darn quick. I had no response for that one because he was right. He is now going to be a Senior in high school and no one gives a darn what he got in PE in the second grade. Perspective, at that young age, he had it. He still does.
He wants to make people happy, he doesn't like to rock the boat, he will give you the shirt off his back, he will make you feel at ease, he loves to have fun. I'm so proud of him.
Happy Birthday!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Miles to go...

Early in June I wrote a list of things to do. I know. I know, I do this often but this was a big list of things to do in and around the house, on my own, with family help or just things I had to coerce others to do. Everything from bathe the dog to paint the bathroom to make 19 write and send out thank you cards. So, long story short this To Do list was 62 items long. I looked at it this morning and we have crossed of quite a few things. It's down to half. There are 31 things left to do on the list and of those 3 are actually planned to get done this week. I am VERY impressed. I think I can coerce the children into completing a couple more and then I will feel this has been a very good summer for accomplishments.

We just came back from the Open House at UCF. My son loved it. He doesn't want to leave FL and has seen 4 schools. He seems positive about the college application process and writing the essay is one of those things on the aforementioned list that I have to coerce him into doing. I am hoping for a rough draft by the weekend. A mom can dream can't she.

This week and weekend is going to be chock full of celebrating because FIL birthday is on Wednesday and we are going over for dinner. GM turns 85 on Saturday, I have to take her a chocolate cake and as of today she has requested Tamales (which I will purchase) and 16 turns 17 on Sunday. I have been told to do nothing for this event. I have offered to do all sorts of celebrating but he wants the day to be free. Fine! Whatever! I am a supportive mom and have the day open to jump through whatever hoop he will surely put in front of me.

Then believe it or not as I am getting half way through this summer list I am feeling the urge to start preparing for Christmas. I feel a list for that coming soon very soon. I'm thinking a list of people with gift suggestions. I think this needs to be done as the month ends because this Christmas will be a very homemade Christmas and I will need lots of time to plan and make the gifts because I expect a lot of trial and error because my ideas are not anything I have done before and so I will be winging it and expect mishaps and we can't give away mishaps now can we. Most likely if you are on my list you will either get something hand/homemade or a book or maybe both. Some kids will still get a toy but I'm thinking books or maybe magazine subscriptions is the way to go this year. Of course, if I win the lotto I will just charter a cruise to somewhere and bring everyone along! LOL!

Friday, July 10, 2009

I'm like mom...I'm not like mom...

You may recall that I am reading Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. It is helping me through my current struggle with myself. I am learning a few things. First and foremost I am learning that I am not nuts or at the very least my current state of nuttiness is perfectly normal and many go and have gone through it. That's comforting. As much as I have always wanted and love uniqueness, it's comforting that others have been where I am and been able to move on to more productive places in their lives.

The general gist of it is that I am trying to be like my mother and at the same time unlike her. Can you feel the problem huh, can you? I read through the anecdotes and can relate to them all. For example, I mean why do I bake apple pie for Thanksgiving when no one in my family even likes apple pie? Because mom did and it makes me feel somehow close to her or that I am making her a part of my present when I do a silly thing like bake a pie. Even those sugar cookies I make for my father. I think baking in general makes me think of her; it was her forte in the kitchen. She would bake, she taught me to bake, she baked with me, she let me bake and burn to my heart's content. It doesn't faze me when I have to trash it and start over because it's what we did. There are dozens of other examples.

On the other hand, I am starting to think that my weight has to do with her death too or her illness shall I say. Not entirely but partially. In the book I read over and over about women who avoided duplicating and feared the events/scenarios than lead to their mother's passing. If a mother always avoided going to the doctor maybe the daughter goes all the time and develops hypochondriac like symptoms to not do what 'caused' the mother's illness. In my example, my mother was never svelte but she (read: the family) was always on a diet, always watching her weight albeit unsuccessfully. She was never obese as I am but she had some extra pounds on her. She was never thin until before she was diagnosed with cancer. In reality I know that it had more to do with her divorcing my father than getting sick which didn't happen until a year later but I see it all mushed together because I wasn't living with her at the time. When I saw her after the divorce yes, she was loosing weight but not thin and then the next time I see her she was even thinner and then a month later diagnosis cancer. So, it makes me think has part of me subconsciously been sabotaging my efforts to a healthy weight because I don't' want to be as thin as she was and get cancer. Now, I realize that sounds a little kookoo but I am learning in this book that others have done similar things. There are other examples. Things I have done in my marriage and in my work life that I can also correlate like that but I don't want to get into that here.

The one thing that I already knew I was doing but thought it was a borderline nuts was mourn her over and over again. I really mean mourn not just miss her. Anything can be a trigger. Moments in my life that I so want to reach out to my mom and share with her especially things with my kids. I know she wanted so desperately to be a grandmother. And seeing someone/thing that reminds me of her. Years ago I saw a woman in an elevator put on lipstick just like my mother used to do. I don't do it that way and I had never seen anyone else do it that way and when that complete stranger in an elevator did that I felt like I was going to die from the overwhelming feelings that were suddenly pressing down on me. I don't remember getting off the elevator but the next thing I do remember was sitting in a toilet stall at the office crying as if the world were coming to an end. A friend found me there and brought me water, held me, tried to sooth me having no clue what had happened because I couldn't talk I could only cry and sob. It wasn't until days later that I was even able to tell her. Every time she saw me, she just hugged me and kept telling me it would be OK. Again, other examples are too many to list.

Then there are the milestones that surround her illness and death. Like what I am struggling with now, my age/her age. This was the last birthday she celebrated. Even though she was a poor example of how to be for this past year of my age due to her illness, I have no more example in her of how to be from now on. Holy crap that was hard to type. I need to stop here. More of this kinda stuff to come, I am sure but not right now.

Friday, July 03, 2009

It's 4th of July weekend. I wanted to DO something meaningful. Since I couldn't figure out what to DO, I decided to make a purposeful donation. I started researching and liked this OPERATION GRATITUDE - Care Packages for Soldiers. I may not agree with the reasons for the fighting but the troops deserve and have my support. I find this is a small way I could put my money where my mouth is. Check them out, if you have a chance.

Hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable weekend.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Money bags

Did you find a bag of money somewhere? I've been looking and I can't find one anywhere. I have so many things I want to do but this pesky thing called a job keeps getting in the way. If I could just find a bag of money then I wouldn't have to work so much and I have the time and resources to do the things I want to do.
I told hubby and my BFF that I figured out what I wanted to be when I grow up. A philanthropist. They both said I needed to have lots more money to do that. Although on further reflection, hubby said I do an awful good job at giving away money we don't have as it is. Smart ass!
Maybe I should go buy a lottery ticket. I know that not buying one seems to be impeding my chances of winning. Oh well, back to work. Gimme patience.