Friday, October 31, 2008


No, I'm not shovelling snow like they are in some parts, that's exhausting I know. But I am tired of shovelling crap!

I feel like everything is falling apart because I dunno. It is! There's the big stuff like the country, the economy, the healthcare system (I use the term loosely), my 401k those big picture things that affect my little picture over here in fake America. Have I mentioned that evey time I hear "Real America" I want to throw something and scream like a banshee. I apparently am fake and then I thought about it and ya know, I am. I keep pretending that everything is OK. That its all peaches and cream. That it's going to work out. Well, ya know what. I don't feel that way most of the time but I past a smile on my face, take a deep breath and march on and do my best to keep my panties from bunching up. See, fake.

So, over here in fake America, I have no clue how my property taxes are going to get paid. I'll just wait for a bag of money to fall out of the sky or maybe I can get a piece of the bailout. The money that was going to be used for that is being spent on repairing the car. Yes, the car. 16 was side swipped and the asswipe that hit him took off. I know. Look at the positive that effin silver lining. 16 is fine, he wasn't hurt. Trust me I am truly grateful. But DAMN! and the laptop no longer connects to the internet because the I dunno what card died and we had to order a new one. And a piece of my bathtub chipped off. That's right, the bathtub. I covered it with duck tape and have proceeded to ignore it because frankly I can't afford a new tub and De Nile is more than river in Egypt. My dog is having some issues that will not be resolved because no mula for a vet. Sorry, Max. GM is back in the hospital again. I am having so many issues with her that its not even funny. That's her third visit THIS month. She has 2 bank accounts, I sign on neither, we only have a checkbook for one of them. Her SS check goes to the one I don't have the checkbook for. Her pension checks go to the other one. I have no clue how the ALF where she is living is going to get paid for November because she won't tell the bank over the phone that she needs new checks. And she won't tell SS to change her direct deposit to the 2nd bank. The missing checkbook is in the hands of a previous caretaker who is not returning my calls. I canceled the ATM card which she had also given her with her PIN # of course.
And I wonder why I don't sleep. It's not like I have any worries, right. And a good friend just got laid off. I know that's not my problem but it just sucks ya know. And I will be worried about her and her family because well, we're friends.
And of course I want 18 to come home for the holidays duh!, even though I don't know when that will be exactly and the thought of looking for airfare makes we want to throw up. And in case you haven't heard, the holidays are coming. 18s gift may just be his ticket home. That sucks! I'm working my ass off at the office. The other secretary retired 4 months ago and has only been here part time since June. They haven't hired anyone, they haven't told her to train me on what she does and so when she's not here I am going through hell trying to figure things out by trial and error and stay on top of everything. It sucks!
Everything just seems so friggin hard. Nothing just works out and is easy or relaxed. Everything is a struggle, a hassle, a haggle, a problem that needs solving and I am tired of all the finagling.
So Happy Halloween! I'm going to a party at a friends house. When they ask me what I am, I'll tell them - a fake American struggling with life. Boo!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Yawn!...excuse me.
This is what I have been saying to people for days! I am so frickin frackin tired. I can barely get through the day. Hell, there are some days I don't get through the day.
Yesterday, after we got home we realized we needed milk for breakfast so hubby went out and I stayed home to change and get dinner started. Only when hubby came home I had changed and laid down in bed, just for a few minutes. Hubby's all "What are you doing!" I yawned and said 'Nuthin.' DUH! And dinner was still in the fridge/cabinet.
We're up at 6am and I am at work @7ish and we get home @6ish to then cook and do some house things etc. I get into bed @11ish and don't really fall asleep until @midnight. It's making for some long ass days I can tell you.
Sunday was a little better, I didn't get dressed. Seriously, I was in my PJs ALL DAY. Now that doesn't mean I was in bed all day. By the time I got dinner started I had to take a shower and change into a fresh pair of PJs because I was so dirty from all the cleaning I did in my PJs. But it was easy cleaning. I went through piles of papers accumulating on every surface of the office and bedroom and sorted and organized. Then I emptied an area of a closet and reorganized it and put it back together. That's what did me in. After that I took the shower to re-energize. Then I spent the evening quietly scrapping. That was good.
Right now, even as I type this I am still yawning. It's 1:00 in the afternoon. I gotta wake up! Or maybe I need to just stay in bed...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Stereotypes are true and 100K!

So, we're back from NY and visiting 18. It was great seeing him and spending time with him hearing all his stories.

One of my favorites...
Mom, you know all those TV shows and movies you've seen about college life and you think the roommate set up is so cheesy and just too stereotypical and over the top? Well, they're true, those are my roommates. There are 4 of us: a meathead, a pothead and 2 athletes. He doesn't call himself a jock, I wonder why.

After the homecoming game where we met the other athlete roommate (RM) and his family, we finally had a chance to go check out his dorm. RM was sure to let us know that they had cleaned up for our visit. So across campus and up 4 flights of stairs, that's right there's no elevator in this building and naturally we entered the building on the opposite end of his room, so down the entire corridor to his room. There's a handmade sign which looks like it could have been drawn by my 5 year old niece, that says men's room. I laugh and ask, what's the joke. He said there is no joke, that's pothead he loves making signs and putting them on people's doors, he shrugs. He thinks that's hysterical. Most of the signs on the floor are his. Okidokie. The Common Room as it's called is small but picked up and clean. I'm impressed. There are some chairs a couple of ottomans, some short bookcases and 3 mini-refrigerators, one with a mini-microwave that one belongs to 18, and a TV. So far so good. Of course, I resist the urge to move the furniture because honestly, it would flow better set up differently but whatever, not my room. Then he opens a door and says this is my room. AH, there's the chaos I know as teen-boy living. Beds unmade, duh!, clothes hanging off the footboards, piles of things under the beds, the desks cluttered with piles of books, papers and other miscellaneous items such as soap. A few hooks on the walls with towels and coats and just a general sense of creative chaos where only the owner can claim the ability to find anything in. All seemed right in the world.

Meanwhile, bank in FL, 16 spent the weekend in Orlando with friends and I am told they were certain they had won 100k! They were each planning on how to spend their half sure that they had the winning combination of game pieces from a fast food restaurant, one piece with them and the other at home. The parent they were with kept trying in vain to convince them to share their new found wealth with their loving parents because after all without our financing, they wouldn't have gotten the winning pieces at all. His pleas were falling on deaf ears. It was all for naught because once they got home they realized they were still regular Joes and not 100k winners after all, they both had the same game pieces. Aw, so sad. In this economy 100k would have come in handy.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Ready to Jet!

18 called to tell me he was excited. What about? Seeing us! Isn't that great! He's excited about this weekend. He called to PLAN the weekend. I was driving during this conversation and gratefully was almost home because I thought I might crash.

First, he was put on 2nd string and may get rotated into the game. He was told the move is because the other team like to throw the ball and they think his speed will help cover the long pass. WooHoo!

Second, he's got Sunday off. No meetings, no practice. So, he's wondering if we could go into the city, NYC. Sure! Can we take some other guys? Sure! We want to go to MOMA. WHAT?! I figured you wouldn't mind. Mind! I could probably spend a week in there. Let me get this straight. You want us to take you and some friends into NYC to go to the Museum of Modern Art? 16, who was sitting next to me, intuitively says: either there's a girl or his brain has frozen because of the cold. It's a girl and I don't care! I'm amazed he's not ditching us for her and that he's actually including us in the trip. I am spending Sunday at MOMA, with some college kids, including my son at his request! OMG! pinch me!

Third, he went over other things, he's liked planned the entire weekend with us. OMG, who is this person that called me and what has he done with my son?!

Not sure if I will be able to post while I'm gone but I'll try. I am so ready to get on this plane!
I am not calling the hospital until after 7pm when the nurse who knows me is supposed to be there and I know that everything will be fine because it has to be! How's that for positive thinking.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

There's other shoe!

I've written about my GM and the character that she is and a little about her recent ins and outs of the hospital. She's back in. Just when I thought things were under control, she signed a POA for me, she's been nice (for her) not just to me but to her other caretakers. Well, last night the other she fell and slapped me across the face.
Each visit to the hospital, I kept missing the cardiologist. So, I hadn't spoken to him and was only aware of the battery of tests that they were doing on her in that regard. Well, I met one of the team last night and they want to replace a valve. That's open heart surgery. It's what is causing the respiratory problems because the blood flow is backing up and going into her left lung. They are treating it with meds but they need to fix the cause which is the valve. As I asked a few more Qs, and discuss what if we don't do the surgery, are there any other options etc. I am told that I have no decision making powers. She rescinded those powers and informed the hospital and signed their paperwork that I can only visit. I was stunned into silence and then I broke down. I started crying right there in the hallway with the nurse and the Dr. I asked them if she had signed DNR papers or if anyone had discussed it with her. They told me that the patient had to bring it up. I told them that she had always said she did not want a machine to breathe which was why I was asking for alternatives to the surgery because my understanding was the surgery required that she be put on a ventilator. All this through tears. Again, I asked if she had been explained that. According to them, she had. They consider her lucid because she knows her name, what year it is, who's president and that it's an election year.
So, I went into her room and asked her about the surgery. She didn't have a clue, "what surgery?! The want to do something to my heart but no surgery. I don't know what he told me. Go ask him." I tell her I did, but that she had informed them that I was only to visit and nothing else. "Well, that's because you hate me, look what time it is and now is when you come to visit, I haven't seen you in days." I asked the nurse and Dr to come in to review the procedure with her in front of me. They explained it. She said OK, you are going to fix my heart. I said, and to do that they have to use a ventilator. And she countered but only for the surgery, then they take it off. The Dr said, maybe not. She freaked out. Started yelling at everyone that they were stealing from the insurance co, that she needs to be left to die in peace, naturally without a machine breathing for her, that it was all my fault and that is why she wants me to have nothing to do with her. Adding to her ranting was the ringing of all the monitor alarms and two nurses scurrying pressing buttons trying to keep them silent. The Dr. continued to probe my GM with questions to be sure that she understood what she was signing and she signed the DNR order as she was ranting at me and all who could hear that it was my fault that she was so miserable and now she had to worry about them making a mistake and putting a tube in her; that's how much I hate her that I make her think about these horrible things. Once the paperwork was done. I was asked to leave for the 2nd time in as many days so they could try to settle her down.
I left, exhausted, just plain drained with silent tears falling down. When I was almost at the door of the ICU, the nurse came over to me and gave me a big hug and said they treat the ones they love the most the worst. It's age, its not you. I gave her a big hug, thanked her and told her that my brain knows this but the rest of me can't deal with it today.
As I walked to the car, I saw the full moon a friend had told me would be out and about these days. I smiled through the tears thinking of my friends who are my rock, thinking they were smiling and supporting me thru the full moon watching me. Then I howled as I have done with one of these friends on occasion. I startled quite a few people in the parking lot, some shrieked, some laughed and one man yelled, that sure explains a lot don't it! It sure does! I yelled back and then I heard him howl as I got in my car. I was still smiling through the tears as I drove past him and his group. I had the windows down because I wanted to feel the night air on my face. He said, Hang in there girl, lots of us crazies out tonight! We were both laughing as I drove off thanking him for the warning and told him to be good.
I'm tired and I'm mad and I just don't want to fight with anyone anymore. I want things to not be so hard for a while. I'm tired of feeling like I'm always trying to go uphill with the breaks on! I'm getting on a plane tomorrow to see 18, I haven't packed and I have no idea what is going to happen with my GM while I'm gone. Please gimme patience and strength to get through all of this.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


Home is where you hang your hat...Home is where your heart is....Home away from home....

We've heard home can be many things. We all want to make our house a home. What is home? The other day when speaking to 18 after his football game. He said he'd call me back they were about to board the bus and he'd call me when he got home and he hung up.

OK, new flash! Home is here with me! Your dorm is not home, it's your dorm room where you happen to be living for a couple of semesters and then they will assign you another one. It kind of hit me like a bucket of cold water but as I drip dried I thought. He called his dorm home...hmmm...that means he's comfortable there. It's his base, his center. He likes it. That's good, I guess. I had no idea that would freak me out the way it did. But it's all good.
But for the record, it's his TEMPORARY home because home is still our house, here, home with me.

We leave Thursday to spend Homecoming weekend there and I can wait to see him and to see his *home*.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Birds and the WHAT!

When you become a parent you know you will eventually need to have one of *those* talks with your kids. I've done it twice. Actually more than that because we have revisited the topic on a variety of occasions. Sometimes they catch you off guard and other times you catch them off guard. I remember when I approached (now) 16 about it way back and he flat out told me that "He didn't want to talk about it now he would let me know when" I backed off. Eventually, he did come around and bring it up and we had our first of a few *talks*.
I just never knew I would have this talk with my grandmother. For real people. She's 85 and argued with me and the nurses at the hospital the other day that she only had one (how shall I put this delicately) outlet from which to do her business ALL her business.
She went in for what I figured would turn out to be a yeast infection and when the nurse was talking to her about cleanliness etc down there. My GM exploded at her that she didn't understand what she was talking about how to keep all her parts clean when she only had one output. It was all I could do to not start cracking up. I'm imagining what this sounds like from other parts of the ER when you don't know what's going on and can only hear my GM using her salty sailor vocabulary. It got to the point that the nurse explained you know how people say, I'm going #1 or #2...well that's cuz there's 2 outputs and they start counting from the front. It really through her off when the nurse told her that she actually had 3 holes. My GM told her "You might be deformed and have 3 but I am normal and have 1." My GM started getting very explicit about all the business that goes on in that area (or ever went on) and that it's all handled in one location. The nurse just looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders and asked Does she really need to understand that at this point in her life? Nurse was frustrated and agreed that I was right, it really doesn't matter at this point.
But my life being what it is and GM being bored laying there waiting for test results she was like a dog with a bone; just couldn't let it go. She went on an on. I mostly let her ramble and occasionally said a-huh, mm-hmmm when I thought it was appropriate. But then she started point blank asking me questions. I tried to let them go; pretend they were rhetorical. But NO! She kept asking. So, I slowly put the book down and answered as broadly as I could. Then I finally said Look, believe us or don't believe us, it doesn't matter to me. But you have to think that the medically trained person should know how many holes there are in that area. There are three, ok. One to p, another to poo and a third for fun (not the word I used but don't want to get those kinds of hits). She was stunned, shocked. I enjoyed the silence and got back to my book. About 20 minutes later, she very matter of factly said well, I guess things have changed in 80 years because there used to be 1 and now there are three just like Pluto was a planet and now its not. I had to walk out of the room to not laugh hysterically in her face. Because the planets and your privates both ever changing areas of science. It was just too much for me. Too too funny.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Debate Schmebate

I didn't watch the second debate last night. I am tired of it all. I am tired of all government and want everyone out and to start over but I guess we can't really do that. OK, I did listen to only one question not get answered by either one and that got me all bent out of shape. They both using different words said the exact same thing. Hubby of course argued No, they didn't. I said ok, what did M say? this that the other...and didn't O say, that the other thing and this? He thought about it and finally agreed. Neither one answered the question and they both said the same thing! FRUSTRATING!!!!
Instead of a debate they should have a 20 questions. People get to just ask questions and they can only answer yes or no and then we have to guess which candidate it is.
I can see it now...
Are you for off-shore drilling? Would you invade Pakistan? Are you for Minimum Alternative Tax? Are you for govt funding of stem cell research? etc.
That would be more enlightening that listening to them skirt around the meat of the questions.
Maybe I should send that in as a suggestion....

Monday, October 06, 2008

They fly!

Ants fly. Did you know that? Science was never my stong suit. Specifically, they are called Carpenter ants and they fly and we have them. We have had them for quite some time. We hired an exterminator and he has been doing his darndest but they keep coming back. Over the months we have been able to figure out where they are coming from. It took some doing. They are coming down through the attic and the light fixture in 18s room. He has a fan and they are coming through there.
We always had a greater concentration in his room and the office next door. Both of these rooms face the front of the house and we all presumed that they were somehow coming in through the windows, from the outside somehow. 18 always had a bunch of dead ones on his window sill. Then a couple on months ago, I actually saw one coming out of the fan's motor compartment. OMG! I freaked out. Well, they were back last week. I am sparing you pictures because I don't like bugs and don't want any on my blog. YUCK! So, we called the exterminator again and this time he sprayed in the attic. We shall see how that goes. If it doesn't last then, the next step is to fog the attic. I hope the are gone. I realize they are harmless but they are oversized flying ants. 'nuf said. YUCK!