Friday, June 19, 2009

Again and again

I know I haven't been posting much lately but I have been wallowing, languishing, freaking out, pulling myself up, shaking it off and then starting all over again and again and again. I get bursts of Ok and then trip over myself again. I really need it to stop.

I have been struggling of late with my birthday, my mother, her death, I am now the age my mother ever was right after she was diagnosed. At this point in her life, she had been diagnosed with a rare cancer, operated, not able to attend my wedding, was undergoing chemo and had been told she had 6 maybe 8 months to live if she was lucky. That was really hard to type.

I cannot imagine being in her position right now. There are so many things I want to see and do. It's freaking me out.

I am reading a book called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. It's comforting and heart wrenching at the same time. It's killing me slowly and making me stronger all at once. First and foremost its consoling me in that I'm not nuts. What I am feeling is normal and lots of women go through the same thing. Mourning isn't finite. I knew that but now I am reading bout other women going through it the same way. That's comforting. It's killing me because it's making me think and face some things that I hadn't until now which I guess is good but its hard. It's draining. It's exhausting.

I haven't cried this much in a long time. I can't read the book and not end up in tears. A story, a reference of something totally abstract will turn on my internal faucet and there ya go.

Visiting my GM has been much harder for me lately not because she's doing poorly or anything just because all these feelings are very raw right now. I have to force myself to do things like nothing's going on inside and yet I sneak a few tears here and a few tears there when I am by myself in an attempt to not burst into a puddle in front of other people. I thought that maybe writing about it would help a little but this is hard, the screen is blurry through my watery eyes. I need to be patient with myself. I think I need to find some real me time to let this whole thing happen and figure out how to deal with it a bit better. I am hoping the answer is in the yet unread portion of the book. Deep breath...close my eyes...deep my Now let me call dad and finalize weekend plans. Here we go!

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