Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Breakfast of champions - NOT!

Monday I had an upper GI done. I don't wish this on anyone. Here's my story.

I'm the first appt. so this should go fast and easy. That was the only good part of the adventure. After donning the lovely hospital gown in the season's new fashion colors of white with blue dots, I follow Nurse Lovely to a room and remind her like I have told the other 72 people I spoke to before that I am allergic to Sulfur. Is this going to be ok? I don't know how I react, I have been told I am allergic to it since I was a kid. Neither she nor her boss who was eavesdropping have EVER heard of anyone having a reaction to this and well, if anything happens, I am in the hospital. On that note, I am served an Alka-Selter type liquid and told to down it like a shot. It will make me gassy but I am not to burp. Right. Fine. I chug it and momentarily proceed to expel gas from the other end. She said not to burp. I didn't. What's a girl gonna do? Run out of the room?

I had to stand on a platform I barely fit on holding a Styrofoam cup of a lovely vintage of chalky barium sulfate ready to drink some when she says go so that they can photograph it going down. Oh, yeah and I had to take off my glasses and so went the sense of balance with them over to the counter with the remainder of my breakfast of champions.

As the platform I was standing on started to move to the right I let out a scream. It was more like a yelp, and grabbed on to the contraption in front of me with my free hand - that was moving too. Although I can't see Nurse Lovely, I hear her explain that she needed to line me up for the x-ray. I raise my glass and tell her no problem go ahead. She then yells DRINK. I take a swig and have to hold it in my mouth until she yells swallow. Half an eternity later she yells SWALLOW. I gladly do to get that out of my mouth. I honestly feel like a an drinking liquid chalk. After a few more shots and turn this way and that. She comes over to take the cup from me (YEAH, I'm done) and tells me the table (that's what I was standing in front of) is going to go down. She hands me a pillow and instructs me to hold it so I don't hit my head. Don't hit my head? How am I going to hit my he-plunk! oh, that's where you wanted the pillow, so I wouldn't hit my head. I get it now. Now I am laying on the table and she tells me to roll over on my stomach. I do and proceed to pass more gas-logical if you ask me. I stuff my face into the pillow. she then hand me another cup of watered down chalk with a straw and tell me that when she yells DRINK I am to start drinking this stuff continuously so that can film it's progress. And now, roll a bit to the side, and repeat, and the other side, repeat.

Sit and wait for them to review the film. I just take some deep breaths and ask for water but I can't have any yet. Fine. I'll just sit here and breathe and pray thankful that I survived and that it really be over. Nurse Lovely comes out all bubbly and says the pictures are great (don't think they'll make my scrapbook) and I can go now. I have to drink plenty of water today because otherwise this stuff will harden in my intestines and block things up. More good news. YEAH. I ask her for my glasses, tell her I'm lightheaded and may I have some juice. She comes back with a bottle of water. I touch my face to make sure the glasses are on as I stare at the bottle and repeat, May I please have some juice, I really feel lightheaded. She doesn't have any. I audibly groan and think, We are in a friggin hospital! There are no little juices?! Fine. I will just sit here and breathe. She needs me to leave to bring in the next patient. Ahh...hello...need a little help here, I don't think I can make it back to my clothes on my own. Studly Aide to the rescue. When we get to the locker room he asks if I'm ok. Ahhh, someone cares. I a bit woozy. He disappears and comes back with a Coke. I smile at him as I start chugging it. Now, I haven't had a Coke in about a year and this tastes like liquid heaven. My eyes water as Studly tells me he will be back to help me downstairs after I change. He comes back and I'm still sitting where he left me. How long was he gone? I need more time? Lady, do you need help? I look around. It's just me I guess I'm the lady. I sure don't feel like one. He opens the locker and puts my clothes on the bench and disappears again. I pick up my pants and stick one foot in. Nurse Petite comes in. She has the coldest hands on the planet and puts one on each cheek and stares into my eyes and flashes something in them. How'd she do that if she was holding my face- WOW! They are talking to me now but too fast for me to understand and there are 2 of them and only one of me. They give me a shot and lay me down. OMG! What's are they going to do now? I don't care. I fall asleep. I wake up and see my clothes on the bench so I get dressed. I feel a little lightheaded and thirsty. Studly comes in all happy to see me awake. I've never seen anyone react like that to a GI! Like what? It's like you were high or something. We gave you a shot of blah blah blah and blah blah. When he stopped blahing I told him to please tell Nurse Lovely and her boss since apparently this never happens to anyone. He laughs (he really has a pretty face too) and as we walk to the elevator he tells me, you know you asked me to marry you, then said never mind you had a husband then you told me that you'd name you firstborn after me and then said never mind you already had kids. Then apparently I suggested that he name his firstborn after me. He said all this laughing so I did too. For goodness sake I could be his mother! Well, at least I have good taste I tell him as we make our way to a coffee shop. He tells me this is one that he'll be talking about for years. GREAT. He leaves me there, feeling embarrassed but ok. I have some coffee and juice. Sit quietly and drink it all up, call my office to have someone come pick me up and spend the rest of the day a little foggy but ok.
I survived and now I know what my allergy to Sulfur is like. Gimme patience.

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