Friday, October 10, 2008

Birds and the WHAT!

When you become a parent you know you will eventually need to have one of *those* talks with your kids. I've done it twice. Actually more than that because we have revisited the topic on a variety of occasions. Sometimes they catch you off guard and other times you catch them off guard. I remember when I approached (now) 16 about it way back and he flat out told me that "He didn't want to talk about it now he would let me know when" I backed off. Eventually, he did come around and bring it up and we had our first of a few *talks*.
I just never knew I would have this talk with my grandmother. For real people. She's 85 and argued with me and the nurses at the hospital the other day that she only had one (how shall I put this delicately) outlet from which to do her business ALL her business.
She went in for what I figured would turn out to be a yeast infection and when the nurse was talking to her about cleanliness etc down there. My GM exploded at her that she didn't understand what she was talking about how to keep all her parts clean when she only had one output. It was all I could do to not start cracking up. I'm imagining what this sounds like from other parts of the ER when you don't know what's going on and can only hear my GM using her salty sailor vocabulary. It got to the point that the nurse explained you know how people say, I'm going #1 or #2...well that's cuz there's 2 outputs and they start counting from the front. It really through her off when the nurse told her that she actually had 3 holes. My GM told her "You might be deformed and have 3 but I am normal and have 1." My GM started getting very explicit about all the business that goes on in that area (or ever went on) and that it's all handled in one location. The nurse just looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders and asked Does she really need to understand that at this point in her life? Nurse was frustrated and agreed that I was right, it really doesn't matter at this point.
But my life being what it is and GM being bored laying there waiting for test results she was like a dog with a bone; just couldn't let it go. She went on an on. I mostly let her ramble and occasionally said a-huh, mm-hmmm when I thought it was appropriate. But then she started point blank asking me questions. I tried to let them go; pretend they were rhetorical. But NO! She kept asking. So, I slowly put the book down and answered as broadly as I could. Then I finally said Look, believe us or don't believe us, it doesn't matter to me. But you have to think that the medically trained person should know how many holes there are in that area. There are three, ok. One to p, another to poo and a third for fun (not the word I used but don't want to get those kinds of hits). She was stunned, shocked. I enjoyed the silence and got back to my book. About 20 minutes later, she very matter of factly said well, I guess things have changed in 80 years because there used to be 1 and now there are three just like Pluto was a planet and now its not. I had to walk out of the room to not laugh hysterically in her face. Because the planets and your privates both ever changing areas of science. It was just too much for me. Too too funny.

No comments: