and then it hit me!

I figured it out! I think I know why I have been so doom and gloom lately and everything is forced fun. I am turning 44 this year. I know not a milestone for most people. And it's not an age thing, it's just a number. Birthdays and the idea of getting older has never bothered me. Here's the thing: 44 was how old my mother was when she passed away. I think that nugget of information is wreaking havoc in my brain and my emotions.
It hit me yesterday when I was sitting at the Cuban cooking class talking with my girlfriends and their moms about their caring for their grandmothers and I could relate because I am dealing with the same issues with my grandmother and one asked me 'what about your mom?' I told her that she had passed away 22 years ago and it hit me right there. I had to go to the ladies room to shed a few tears and deal with the impact of the realization. I haven't thought about it a lot since then. I am trying to keep it under a lid until I have time to break down. I didn't sleep well last night. I kept waking up thinking about my mother and for the first time it wasn't comforting. It was stressful. I woke up with a pain in my jaw going up to my head from I guess sleeping with my jaws clenched.
I need to schedule a chunk of me-time when I can give this a thorough thinking through and cry uncontrollably without scaring anyone. Maybe tomorrow. It's got to be soon 'cuz well, just cuz.