I'l be back

I know my multitude (read: two) of readers are wondering where I am. Well, I'm here, overwhelmed. I did go to NY to visit 19 for Labor Day weekend and that was wonderful. We honestly had a very good time. It was nice albeit short.

The first week back was hectic as first week backs usually are. Then there was the first weekend. The proverbial other shoe fell but in this case it was both shoes that fell at the same time. I honestly can't get into in here and now but suffice to say I am going through some family issues that need to be resolved before I can think clearly enough to write about anything. So, if you are of a mind to say a prayer, please include me. If not, well, think a good thought for me and I will sincerely appreciate it.

Be patient. I will be back some day, hopefully soon, to continue my life musings and rants.
Gimme patience and strength.

House woes

My garbage disposal died. It was old and it just up and stopped running. I had my handy dandy FIL check it out and was hoping something heinous was stuck in there somewhere and he would work some magic and make it work but alas, no. We need a new one. Oh, woe is me.

My dishwasher is working right. It starts, it runs, we hear the water but the stuff isn't clean and we've been rewashing many of the items. It seems we need a new one. Oh, woe is me.

Many things is this house of ours are shall I say rigged. By that I mean they aren't standard. They are things that the previous owner had someone make something that looks like the real thing but its not and that makes repairs an adventure.

We have a side back door that I have always thought was not an exterior door but an interior door placed on an exterior wall. Well, it hasn't held up well - duh! and it really needs to be replaced. So, we measured and took off to the big box store and low and behold it's not the standard size. The hole that we have is a full inch smaller than the standard exterior door. Oh, woe is me. We went back home. We must have measured wrong because it's hard to measure something straight across (work with me people!) alas, we weren't wrong. It's an inch short. Hmmm.... well, maybe they built up the frame in a way to fit this door in and now it can be trimmed down to fit the larger door. Another job for FIL. He came, he looked, he measured (same as us), he checked this, looked there. He decided we will need a custom door, the frame cannot be trimmed down. Oh, woe is me.

All these expenses popping up when the budget is tight with senior stuff, college stuff and traveling to visit 19. Oh, woe is me.

The good news is FIL was able to fix a leak in the sink in the guest bathroom. That was the good news. At least there was some. *sigh* gimme patience and a sack of cash to fix all this stuff.

Max is inside now

I know we may have never met but if you have read any of my blog before you know that I am NOT fit as a fiddle. In fact, quite the opposite. Well, I drove the point home this weekend. Max, my 12 year old Golden Retriever has turned into an indoor dog. He lived outside all of his adult life until this summer. He's old, I'm older and getting soft (or so I am told) and honestly, I don't think his hearing and vision is all there and well it's just darn hot out so, he's now an indoor dog. He has behaved extremely well. Really hasn't gotten into anything and we close a hallway door to keep him from exploring the bedrooms. At the beginning I took him to a Puppy Palace. I know he's not a puppy but they bathed him and shaved him and bathed him again and gave him a flea bath and he came out looking completely different but smelling pretty. And so he has become an indoor dog.
To keep him smelling pretty he needs to be bathed and the task has fallen on me. I used to bather him outside using the garden hose and it was always an ordeal taking out a bucket to fill with his shampoo and water, rags to scrub him, the leash to hold him in one spot, towels to dry him off after, a stool for me to sit on because it's easier to get up from the stool than the floor.
That was when he was an outside dog. Now he's an inside dog, so a few weeks ago I decided to try the tub. That's where the inside people bathe why not Max. And so the adventure began and it went relatively well the first time a few weeks ago. I cleaned the tub afterwards and was sore that night and the next day. If I didn't have to life my arms I was fine but most things we do require some motion of the arm.
I did it again yesterday except this time hubby cleaned the tub after because I thought maybe I just did too much at once and that's why I was sore. Can I tell you that lifting the coffee mug to my mouth has been an effort this morning? I am just as sore today as I was a few weeks ago. I have no upper body strength. Bathing this dog whoops me every time. I need to do something about it. I am going to begin doing arm lifts or something every night to see if I can slowly get over this and be able to bathe my dog. Who knew that Max would be the one to drive me to exercise. Yeah, well, we'll see. Now, let's see if I can refill this mug.

Pleasant unexpected surprise

I started a new book and I knew nothing about it other than it won a Pulitzer Prize (it says that on the cover) and friends of mine have read it and said it was very good but I never heard anyone talk about it so I didn't know what it was about. I've seen articles about it but I only read the headlines because mentally I already had it on a TBR list. At a local flea market I discover it in piles of books. Woo Hoo! I think I have found a gold mine. I spent a whole $5 and bought a 8 books. $1 for hard cover and .50 for paperbacks. Who can resist? Not moi, that's for sure. I head home and dutifully stack the newly purchased treasures in stacks and piles around my room to wait to be read some day and collect dust in the meantime while they make me feel cozy and busy because some day when I have nothing to do there's always a book to be read.

Last night I finished a reading a magazine, I am forcing myself to finish one in between books because I am so behind on the magazines its ridiculous and so I allowed myself to pull out a book to lay by my purse in the hopes of starting it tomorrow. I glanced at the nightstand stack - nah, the dresser stack - um no, went into the walk-in closet where I have a bookcase and looked at a few that are stacked in front of those standing in the back on the shelves - mmmm na, not feeling them. I go to the cabinet with three more shelves lined with books and right away my eye goes to this one. HMmmm. Yes, I think its time. I pull it out, flip through it, not reading anything just airing out the pages getting a whiff of the book. Its soft cover, bigger that a paperback novel but not too weighty yes, this will do fine. I don't even read the blurb on the back I just keep fanning it as if I was warming it up to be read and lay it gently on top of my purse.

This morning I forgot my lunch but I did bring the book. I went to lunch and read the summary on the back cover in the elevator. Wow, this really sounds good. I hope it can live up to this hype.

I head to Starbucks and order a coffee and snuggle into one of their comfy armchairs and after chatting with some of the patrons about inane stuff I finally get to open up Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides. I run out of time and am only able to read a mere 20 pages. But OMG the very first sentence made me want to sit there and find out what happens. Then I read actual paragraph and pages and I am totally sucked in to this book. I writing style is what I love. It's a big over the top - the narrator even apologizes for being too Homeric! Love it! Now its raining. I want to be at home changed into something comfy, curled into the recliner with the throw over my legs and a glass of wine next to me and this book in my hands and no interruptions until I am done. Ahhh, a girl can dream can't she?

9 lbs

I have 9 pounds of cookie dough in my house and I am trying NOT to eat it. So, why did I buy it? Because I'm a sucker that's why. Earlier this summer 17 was selling said 3lb tubs of cookie dough as a fundraiser for his Cross Country team. You would think they would sell trail mix or something healthy but they went with cookie dough. He only had a week to get the orders and got quite a few including 3 from me. Yes, 3 not 1 like normal people. Why, because no one likes the same cookie in my house. 17 wanted Sugar cookies which 19 and hubby don't like. 19 wanted Oatmeal Raisin which 17 and hubby don't like and Hubby wanted peanut butter which neither boy likes. Alas, 3 tubs of 3 lbs each were ordered and have since arrived. I didn't get any "for me" because I eat all the aforementioned cookies and therein lies the problem.
Of course, they get here only a couple of days before 19 leaves so he wasn't able to eat his 3 lbs so I put it in the freezer to await his return and make it more difficult for me to eat since it will require thawing in addition to the bake time. But there are two tubs left in the fridge. Every night after dinner I ask, want some cookies in the hopes of baking some off and making them disappear but it only worked once. Ay. I need to be strong. I need to not eat two tubs of cookies.

Last minutes...

Sunday 19 is leaving and its nephew's bday soI won't get anything done and Saturday I am going to a BBQ at 3. So that means this whole dang list has to get done between now and 3 tomorrow! and I am sitting here at work! OMG! How is this going to happen? Some one please 'splain this to me.

How does that saying go...if it weren't for the last minute, I'd get nothing done. This weekend will be the definition of that because there will be many lat minutes between now and 3PM Saturday.

Then will come Monday...it will be strange without 19 home again and then the school routine for 17.

Have you seen the commercial for the big box office supply store with the dad prancing and dancing all over the store happy and giddy with joy buying back-to-school supplies for his kids who are standing there with long faces wanting to die rather than go back to school. At my house we love that commercial. We all laugh at it hysterically.

See ya on the flip side....gotta go make a list of things to do so I don't miss anything.....

New thing

I really don't try too many food things. I mean I try new dishes but the main ingredients I've had them. For example, I think I may the only person in Miami who has not tried Dulce de Leche ice cream. See, my logic is I don't need to like that because its not good for me and only going to be another thing to add to the list of things that I shouldn't eat so why try it in the first place. But fruit is a different category. Its in the good for you category and therefore they should all be tried and I discovered I LOVE passion fruit. I had never had it. I didn't even know how to eat it. This weekend I went to a farm in The Redlands to pick up some items that a friend of mine and I had ordered (not passion fruit) and I say a pile of these round things in a box. I asked what they were ever trying to expand my knowledge and they were passion fruit. She told me she had an extra bag that she could sell me. I wasn't going to buy any because well I've never tired it and so didn't want to waste my money. She asked me if I liked tart things as she was cracking one open and got a spoon and handed it to me. QUE RICO!! I loved it. She explained how to tell if they were ripe etc. as I fished out the 3 bucks from my purse for that extra bag she had. I split them with my friend because she tried it when she got to my house and liked it too. But man I could eat a bushel of them and if I start to get bored of eating them straight I can think of umpteen uses from salad dressings to marinades. Que Rico!! I have GOT to get more of these. Comfort and Joy baby! YUM!

T-9

In case you haven't heard 19 is leaving next Sunday. So of course, now in the last minute starts the mad rush.
* MIL needs to see him again before he leaves. She only has one chance to come down to my neck of the woods on Saturday but it's a small window and she doesn't know if she can get to my house in time to see him before she has to be somewhere else. Relax, I tell her. You aren't going to be that far from us, call me when you get there and I will have 19 go by and see you there.
* 19 says he can't find the socks that he wants anywhere in Miami (my money is on he hasn't gone every where in Miami but who am I to argue). Relax, I tell him. Socks shouldn't be so complicated but if they are just order them online.
* SIL called last night. Her son's bday is on the 20th and I had called her to see if/when she was doing anything because I need to plan my life. She is having the family gathering on Sunday when 19 is leaving. Perfect! He leaves out of Ft Lauderdale, she lives in Hollywood. We can easily swing by before going to the airport.
* My dad has been threatening to come down for 2 weeks but has been having car trouble and is concerned he won't see him and also concerned that he hasn't given 17 his bday gift. Relax, I tell him. If you can't come to us then you can meet us at SILs before he leaves. My dad lives up there too.
* He HAS to go to the beach but he has to find a ride because I need the car. Relax, I tell him. Go to the beach whenever you want (hopefully, after ordering the socks) I don't need the car. I can work around it.
* His computer died last night. It turns on but I'm guessing it has a virus because he can't really get it to do any thing not even a security scan. Now, I'm freaking out. I truly cannot afford a new laptop right now and it's been 24 hours already and he hasn't taken it to a friend of ours who is our resident all thing computer guy. Others tell me to relax that it's not my problem. He's old enough to handle and deal with this on his own. But OMG! Aren't I supposed to give him the tools necessary to do what he needs to do?! There's not much time to get this working here! OMG!
* I have taken home all kinds of coupons for school supplies that I know they both need and no one has gone to get anything. That I am not worried about I gave them the coupons and I gave them the $ with instruction that if they spend it one something else, they will have to write in blood when they run out of pens. Whatever.
* In between all of this 17 starts school. His schedule is wrong because they gave him one of last years' classes. He is cool as a cucumber. It will get fixed, he tells me. Don't worry about it.
* At least 17 tried on his uniform and we only had to get new shoes which he did. Whew! Breathing easy about that.
* Oh yeah, and we have to wash and pack a ton of stuff!
Gimme patience. It's gonna be a long weekend and I wanted to spend it cooking and scrapping. LMAO!

Just plug and go?

That was the first text I got. 19 has sent me a few texts including a picture of the settings on our iron asking for instructions. The boy is ironing his own shirt people! My money is on a girl being in this equation. LOL!

Cooking for one

19 is leaving again in a week and a half and so I am once again cooking with only him in mind. All of his favorites have to make another appearance before he leaves so that he can have his fill. If the rest don't like it too bad, drive-thru, I am cooking for one- the one that's leaving.

To that end I will be making a flan tonight so that he can have a slice every day if he wants. I will also be making a strawberry cherry blueberry pie. Those are his desserts. I won't make cookies because those I can make when he leaves and ship to him so he has a taste of home. I already made him Picadillo again which we didn't have for dinner he had it for lunch for like 3 days. I will also make Lentils for him and I. Next week I will make Carne con Papa and Spaghetti with meat sauce and I think I need to make him Vaca Frita again. Then we will put him on a plane with a dozen pastelitos de carne for him and his roommate.

I need to ask him if there's anything else I missed. The kitchen is all about him for the next couple of weeks.

Every penny counts

So, I have been saving and saving for months. Bringing my lunch to work, not eating out as much even as a family. I've been cooking extra so there will be leftovers and the kids have been good about eating the leftovers for lunch too. we did have one extravagance over the summer and that was over the 4th of July but other than that we've been coupon cutting, and 2fer buying for months now.

Well, it's all gone. All those pennies we saved I done gone and spent it all and I feel a little spent, if you know what I mean. It was kinda nice seeing the savings build up little by little. It grew into a nice little nest egg there. But now poof, it's all gone. It went where it was supposed to but man was it easier to spend than it was to save. It tool months to gather all those pennies and it has disappeared in just under 2 weeks. Here's where it went: car repairs, flying 19 back to university, all 3 of us flying up to see him in his football scrimmage over labor day weekend (holiday flying is not cheap my friends, I don't care what the ads say), flying us and my in-laws up to him in the homecoming game, hotels for both trips (2 nights the first trip, 3 nights the second trip), senior pictures for 17, school books for 17, school uniforms for 17. Poof! Just like that. Almost as quickly as I wrote about it here it went away and now I look at the pitiful balance in my savings account and sigh! Pobrecito savings account all spent.
Easy come (not!), easy go, I guess. It's all for good things so, it's OK. I just feel a little overwhelmed at spending all that money so quickly. It was nice having that cushion there but no more. C'est la vie!

Really? Back to School Time?

Is it really Back to School time? I can't tell. I have one starting his second year in college and the other starting his Senior year in high school and it just seems like another month to me just like the last one.


Sure, I bought some hugely overpriced books and spent all of 2 hours scouring the Internet for cheaper versions to bid on and win one at half price (can I hear a WooHoo!) but I'm not elbowing anyone for that last 8 pack of crayons, or the 2-pack of glue sticks etc. etc. Any I am NOT rummaging through tight aisles looking for uniform pieces and dragging a child to the dressing area explaining to them where exactly their waist line is. I don't miss any of that at all. But I do miss the the general get new stuff for school feeling. I remember taking them to the big box department store for them carte blanche to pick out folders (4/$1) and packs of fancy pencils that weren't going to last 2 weeks and fancy pens and the binders and folders and the pencil cases! oh the pencil cases! that never fit all the things they wanted. And going home and sorting, labeling and organizing everything. They were going to be so successful because I had gotten them all these wonderful tool they needed to excel and be smart. What a feeling of accomplishment.

Now, I give them cash to go buy shoes, I order books online and everything else they tell me they will buy as they need it and I no longer cover books.

I got a coupon for a big box office supply store and I think I need to drag my teens there this weekend and at least make them pick out a pack of pens (say that 10 times fast) just for old times sake. After all I think this is really the last year I can make them do this. We can watch other families melt down and maybe sit and have a coffee and reminisce about the years gone by. Yeah, I don't think so! So, sorry for all of you trying to get everything on the list. I'll have an extra cup of coffee for you this weekend as I relax staring out my front yard that is so calm birds actually come visit now. Comfort and Joy! Hey, maybe I'll even watch a movie.

Can't read

I love to read but lately I can't. I can make out all the words but my brain isn't digesting what I read. I don't know why. I bought some new books because I don't have enough all over the house in stacks and piles and shelves everywhere. They are books that I have been wanted for a while. They are pretty. Most books are. I look at them, I touch them, I fan through them, I read a passage from here or there, I may even ready the first few pages to get hooked and then I put it down and walk off leaving it abandoned to catch dust all by its lonesome. Then the next day I do it all again with another book and abandon it too leaving it behind with the others to cheat on it with yet another book. I'm even doing it to magazines. It's totally out of control.

Last night I was picking odd things up with the pretext of putting things away and realized. There's a a magazine in the car you know for those wait with nothing to do emergencies, I've got something to read. On the entrance table there's a book. On the side buffet in the dining room there's a book, on the back buffet, there's a stack of magazines and a book, on the coffee table there are more magazines and a couple of books, on the sofa table there's another book, on the kitchen counter there's a book, on one of the stools there are 2 magazines, on the side counter there's a stack of 3 books. Those are just the common areas. I won't tell you how many books are on my nightstand or on my dresser because we don't know each other that well. All of these books and magazines had been touched and looked over in the past 2 weeks and I want to read them all but I'm not. I'm uncomfortable with this whole not reading thing. I need to snap out of it because reading helps me escape and gives me a break from life. Sigh! I don't know how to shake this.

Prediction

It's going to be gray and rain lots and lots on Sunday.

No I am not a Weather channel junkie. I have a headache. I have my bad weather is coming headache. It's like an allergy almost. I get it only when the front is coming in. I will be fine once the front gets here. I really can't explain it. It's a very specific pain and no amount of pain killers makes it go away completely. They can make it better but not gone. I just have to wait it out.

So that's been my day today. I shoulda been a weather bunny....

WOW, 17!

Yesterday my baby turned 17. WOW. I am getting old but this post isn't about that it's about him.

17 is a great kid. He is a true lover of life. He has an easy come easy go attitude. His a spiritual child and questions things quietly at the same time accepting that you can think and believe whatever you want. It's all good. By example he reminds me all the time NOT to sweat the small stuff and indeed it's all small stuff. I don't think this child knows what a dark cloud is. He ALWAYS sees the silver lining, the sunny side of things. That's a lesson that we could all take from him.
Once when he was in 2nd grade I was fuming at a report card. He failed PE. How do you fail PE? I don't even remember now but he did. As I was lecturing him on the lack of merit of his report card, he took it from me and looked at it thoughtfully and very calmly and matter of factly announced that it was great, he had gotten one of every letter. I was momentarily dumbstruck. All I could say was - that is NOT good, that is NOT the goal. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I think it's cool", as he walked away my ranting lecture rolling off of him like water off a slippery surface. I, being the nagging mother that I can be, didn't let it go. I followed him. I am after all the grown up here. I am the one that has wisdom to impart and guidance to lend to his life here so gosh darnit he was going to listen to my wisdom. I continued to explain that although there are many grades the goal was to get the higher ones not the lower ones. It's important to always do your best yadda yadda. He listen his bottom lip quivering slightly as if her were to burst into tears but he didn't. When my rant was over he very quietly asked, "What difference does it make if I get an F in PE as long as I go to 3rd grade? Who cares? I continued to argue with the then 7 year old and told him that I cared and that he should care because an F means he wasn't doing his best yadda yadda. He said he only cared that he was with his friends. They are going to 3rd grade and so was he. That was what was important, "God, family and friends" and he had all that. Well, he shut me up pretty darn quick. I had no response for that one because he was right. He is now going to be a Senior in high school and no one gives a darn what he got in PE in the second grade. Perspective, at that young age, he had it. He still does.
He wants to make people happy, he doesn't like to rock the boat, he will give you the shirt off his back, he will make you feel at ease, he loves to have fun. I'm so proud of him.
Happy Birthday!

Miles to go...

Early in June I wrote a list of things to do. I know. I know, I do this often but this was a big list of things to do in and around the house, on my own, with family help or just things I had to coerce others to do. Everything from bathe the dog to paint the bathroom to make 19 write and send out thank you cards. So, long story short this To Do list was 62 items long. I looked at it this morning and we have crossed of quite a few things. It's down to half. There are 31 things left to do on the list and of those 3 are actually planned to get done this week. I am VERY impressed. I think I can coerce the children into completing a couple more and then I will feel this has been a very good summer for accomplishments.

We just came back from the Open House at UCF. My son loved it. He doesn't want to leave FL and has seen 4 schools. He seems positive about the college application process and writing the essay is one of those things on the aforementioned list that I have to coerce him into doing. I am hoping for a rough draft by the weekend. A mom can dream can't she.

This week and weekend is going to be chock full of celebrating because FIL birthday is on Wednesday and we are going over for dinner. GM turns 85 on Saturday, I have to take her a chocolate cake and as of today she has requested Tamales (which I will purchase) and 16 turns 17 on Sunday. I have been told to do nothing for this event. I have offered to do all sorts of celebrating but he wants the day to be free. Fine! Whatever! I am a supportive mom and have the day open to jump through whatever hoop he will surely put in front of me.

Then believe it or not as I am getting half way through this summer list I am feeling the urge to start preparing for Christmas. I feel a list for that coming soon very soon. I'm thinking a list of people with gift suggestions. I think this needs to be done as the month ends because this Christmas will be a very homemade Christmas and I will need lots of time to plan and make the gifts because I expect a lot of trial and error because my ideas are not anything I have done before and so I will be winging it and expect mishaps and we can't give away mishaps now can we. Most likely if you are on my list you will either get something hand/homemade or a book or maybe both. Some kids will still get a toy but I'm thinking books or maybe magazine subscriptions is the way to go this year. Of course, if I win the lotto I will just charter a cruise to somewhere and bring everyone along! LOL!

I'm like mom...I'm not like mom...

You may recall that I am reading Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. It is helping me through my current struggle with myself. I am learning a few things. First and foremost I am learning that I am not nuts or at the very least my current state of nuttiness is perfectly normal and many go and have gone through it. That's comforting. As much as I have always wanted and love uniqueness, it's comforting that others have been where I am and been able to move on to more productive places in their lives.

The general gist of it is that I am trying to be like my mother and at the same time unlike her. Can you feel the problem huh, can you? I read through the anecdotes and can relate to them all. For example, I mean why do I bake apple pie for Thanksgiving when no one in my family even likes apple pie? Because mom did and it makes me feel somehow close to her or that I am making her a part of my present when I do a silly thing like bake a pie. Even those sugar cookies I make for my father. I think baking in general makes me think of her; it was her forte in the kitchen. She would bake, she taught me to bake, she baked with me, she let me bake and burn to my heart's content. It doesn't faze me when I have to trash it and start over because it's what we did. There are dozens of other examples.

On the other hand, I am starting to think that my weight has to do with her death too or her illness shall I say. Not entirely but partially. In the book I read over and over about women who avoided duplicating and feared the events/scenarios than lead to their mother's passing. If a mother always avoided going to the doctor maybe the daughter goes all the time and develops hypochondriac like symptoms to not do what 'caused' the mother's illness. In my example, my mother was never svelte but she (read: the family) was always on a diet, always watching her weight albeit unsuccessfully. She was never obese as I am but she had some extra pounds on her. She was never thin until before she was diagnosed with cancer. In reality I know that it had more to do with her divorcing my father than getting sick which didn't happen until a year later but I see it all mushed together because I wasn't living with her at the time. When I saw her after the divorce yes, she was loosing weight but not thin and then the next time I see her she was even thinner and then a month later diagnosis cancer. So, it makes me think has part of me subconsciously been sabotaging my efforts to a healthy weight because I don't' want to be as thin as she was and get cancer. Now, I realize that sounds a little kookoo but I am learning in this book that others have done similar things. There are other examples. Things I have done in my marriage and in my work life that I can also correlate like that but I don't want to get into that here.

The one thing that I already knew I was doing but thought it was a borderline nuts was mourn her over and over again. I really mean mourn not just miss her. Anything can be a trigger. Moments in my life that I so want to reach out to my mom and share with her especially things with my kids. I know she wanted so desperately to be a grandmother. And seeing someone/thing that reminds me of her. Years ago I saw a woman in an elevator put on lipstick just like my mother used to do. I don't do it that way and I had never seen anyone else do it that way and when that complete stranger in an elevator did that I felt like I was going to die from the overwhelming feelings that were suddenly pressing down on me. I don't remember getting off the elevator but the next thing I do remember was sitting in a toilet stall at the office crying as if the world were coming to an end. A friend found me there and brought me water, held me, tried to sooth me having no clue what had happened because I couldn't talk I could only cry and sob. It wasn't until days later that I was even able to tell her. Every time she saw me, she just hugged me and kept telling me it would be OK. Again, other examples are too many to list.

Then there are the milestones that surround her illness and death. Like what I am struggling with now, my age/her age. This was the last birthday she celebrated. Even though she was a poor example of how to be for this past year of my age due to her illness, I have no more example in her of how to be from now on. Holy crap that was hard to type. I need to stop here. More of this kinda stuff to come, I am sure but not right now.

It's 4th of July weekend. I wanted to DO something meaningful. Since I couldn't figure out what to DO, I decided to make a purposeful donation. I started researching and liked this OPERATION GRATITUDE - Care Packages for Soldiers. I may not agree with the reasons for the fighting but the troops deserve and have my support. I find this is a small way I could put my money where my mouth is. Check them out, if you have a chance.

www.opgratitude.com

Hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable weekend.

Money bags

Did you find a bag of money somewhere? I've been looking and I can't find one anywhere. I have so many things I want to do but this pesky thing called a job keeps getting in the way. If I could just find a bag of money then I wouldn't have to work so much and I have the time and resources to do the things I want to do.
I told hubby and my BFF that I figured out what I wanted to be when I grow up. A philanthropist. They both said I needed to have lots more money to do that. Although on further reflection, hubby said I do an awful good job at giving away money we don't have as it is. Smart ass!
Maybe I should go buy a lottery ticket. I know that not buying one seems to be impeding my chances of winning. Oh well, back to work. Gimme patience.

PJs in the afternoon

Do you remember lazy summer days as a kid sleeping in until afternoon and having breakfast when the rest of the world was already digesting lunch? Not a care in the world. Go to the pool, if you want. Watch TV, if you want. Walk over to a friend's house and play, if you want. Not a care in the world. A time way back when there was a summer vacation, no responsibilities. Ahhh...I remember.

I came as close as I am going to come to reliving that this weekend. I did ALL of my errands and met all of my obligations on Saturday. I mean ALL of them. Everything got done. All that adult responsible stuff: banking, groceries, visits, sundry shopping, laundry, closet cleaning, house cleaning etc. I, (read: hubby and I) did a lot on Saturday. We didn't really plan it. We just both got up had a quick breakfast with minimal coordinating of if you are going here get this and that type of talk and then we both took off. Of course, by the time we were done we felt like we had gone through the wringer. My back hurt, my feet hurt, I was plum tired. We ordered dinner and watched a couple of movies and some TV shows we had recorded. That was the beginning of the unwind.

After showers and ordering dinner, we looked at each other and asked what else do we have to do? Nothing. I don't think either of us could believe it. I actually went and checked all the hampers to make sure they were empty and they were. WOW! Then we realized we could sleep in on Sunday. I was giddy that I'd even be home to fix a nice Sunday breakfast, like I used to once upon a time. So we sat and vegged in front to of the TV. I lasted a couple of hours then thought there must be something I have to do. I ended up giving myself a manicure while still watching TV.

Sunday was lovely! I woke up late (10am- that's sleeping in!), made coffee, pancake batter etc and waited for someone else to wake up for breakfast while watching From Here To Eternity. By 11:30 I made myself breakfast everyone else was still asleep. And then I realized it was almost noon on a Sunday and I still had my PJs on. OMG! I can't even remember when the last time was that happened. The others woke up and had breakfast and we just laid on the sofa watching TV. I didn't shower and dress until 4:00 because I was going to dinner with some girlfriends. I still don't believe it. I felt so relaxed after dinner. We were home early (a little after 9pm) and by 9:30 I was back in my PJs. I needed that. I think I need to schedule more white space in my life to truly do nothing.

Father's Day baking and cooking

On this recessionary Father's Day I decided to bake for the dads. So, for my dad I baked up a batch of slightly burnt (that's how he likes them and yes I already confirmed years ago that this wasn't just something he told his young daughter to console her but he honestly like the taste of the overly browned cookies) sugar cookies. Of course the fun was when I gave them to him in a Christmas tin because it's what I had on hand. It gave us a laugh and he promised to return it so that I could refill it for Christmas.

I also made a Lemon Meringue Pie. It's one of hubby's favorites and I haven't made it in I think like 20 years. He didn't think it had been that long but I think he's confusing Key Lime and Lemon Meringue. The meringue did separate slightly from the crust but the filling didn't weep or separate so it still looked OK. And it was tasty if I do say so myself and I'm not a really big fan. I just had a little piece to taste it.

I also attempted to make a Lemon cake that was trashed. I have no idea what I did wrong. I'm sure I forgot a key ingredient or two because it didn't bake right, it didn't set up like a cake. I didn't stress it, I just trashed it and kept going. I still have the recipe out and I WILL try it again and I WILL get it right.

After all of that, last night I did the first part in the preparing of Vaca Frita. I am making that tonight for some friends and 19s girlfriend who are all coming over for dinner. That means I had soup today for lunch because the first part is boiling the meat which produces an awesome beef stock to which I added a bunch of veggies and a bag of egg noodles. It is so good.

Next weekend I plan on sewing. Let's see how that works out.

Again and again

I know I haven't been posting much lately but I have been wallowing, languishing, freaking out, pulling myself up, shaking it off and then starting all over again and again and again. I get bursts of Ok and then trip over myself again. I really need it to stop.

I have been struggling of late with my birthday, my mother, her death, I am now the age my mother ever was right after she was diagnosed. At this point in her life, she had been diagnosed with a rare cancer, operated, not able to attend my wedding, was undergoing chemo and had been told she had 6 maybe 8 months to live if she was lucky. That was really hard to type.

I cannot imagine being in her position right now. There are so many things I want to see and do. It's freaking me out.

I am reading a book called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. It's comforting and heart wrenching at the same time. It's killing me slowly and making me stronger all at once. First and foremost its consoling me in that I'm not nuts. What I am feeling is normal and lots of women go through the same thing. Mourning isn't finite. I knew that but now I am reading bout other women going through it the same way. That's comforting. It's killing me because it's making me think and face some things that I hadn't until now which I guess is good but its hard. It's draining. It's exhausting.

I haven't cried this much in a long time. I can't read the book and not end up in tears. A story, a reference of something totally abstract will turn on my internal faucet and there ya go.

Visiting my GM has been much harder for me lately not because she's doing poorly or anything just because all these feelings are very raw right now. I have to force myself to do things like nothing's going on inside and yet I sneak a few tears here and a few tears there when I am by myself in an attempt to not burst into a puddle in front of other people. I thought that maybe writing about it would help a little but this is hard, the screen is blurry through my watery eyes. I need to be patient with myself. I think I need to find some real me time to let this whole thing happen and figure out how to deal with it a bit better. I am hoping the answer is in the yet unread portion of the book. Deep breath...close my eyes...deep breath...open my eyes...smile. Now let me call dad and finalize weekend plans. Here we go!

Lukewarm or indifferent in religion or politics

That's what laodicean means. It was the final word in this year's Scripps National Spelling Bee and Kavya Shivashankar got it. I watched the final rounds and was thrilled I could spell 1 of the championship words - guayabera- woo hoo for me! I was stunned as I have been in the past as I watched these children spell words that I had never heard of before in my life. I think it's amazing.

I was also extremely thrilled that this was on prime time TV. Very cool. In a world where surviving a Japanese game show and bachelor/bachelorette reality shows are on their umpteenth seasons, it was truly refreshing that the National Spelling Bee competition was a main event. As I thought more on the topic it occurred to me that although it made the news (and unfortunately still is) the Miss USA pageant wasn't on prime time. If it was even on TV, I don't know. The advertisements weren't in my face that's for sure. I only knew it happened because of Miss. CA's response in the Q&A.

I remember watching all those pageants when I was a kid, mostly I think because it was the only thing on. I mean we only had 3 channels, remember. Now, I'm thinking it's a good sign that the Spelling Bee is a bigger deal than a beauty pageant. I'm happy that we are watching and encouraging kids to use their heads, words are important. Hmm...maybe Miss. CA could have used that lesson, then she would have been able to answer in a truthful yet perhaps less controversial way.

NOTE: I have to comment on the irony that the spellchecker did not recognize the contest winning word: laodicean. LOL!

Breathing, Sleeping - important things

Breathing is really important. You are thinking, DUH! Well, I know it's restating the obvious but when you have spent basically 3 weeks so congested that you sleep sitting up and it can hurt to open your eyes and swallowing takes effort because you are so dang tired of concentrating on breathing and swallowing it's a godsend when you can finally breathe clearly again. I'm just saying. Today is finally that day. It's the first morning I have ventured to not take any meds and don't feel like I am walking with my head in a cloud all day. I'm not 100% but I really am much much better. Breathing is a beautiful thing. I am grateful that I can breathe and sleep better.

Of course, now I am ready for the sleepless nights of summer. I know I bring it on myself, my children don't formally have finite curfews. I just need to know where they are. And so I don't sleep well in summer because since they don't have to get up early they can stay up late and by default I sleep in fits and keep waking to see where they are. We have a system. A light stays on in the front hallways and their doors are open. From bed I can lean over and see if the light is still on (everyone's not home) and the doors are open (no one is in the room) or closed (they are in and down for the night- yea!). My cell phone is on the night stand and periodically the vibrations wake me and let me know that someone is on the move advising me of the new location. Gratefully, even 19 still does this. I know the boy is in college and doesn't live here most of the year but like I tell him I just want to know. I'm not passing judgement and he's good with that. So, this morning when at 4:45 I got a text *sleeping at Friend's house, not coming home, luvya* I was finally able to fall into a deep solid sleep since 16's door had been closed since 12:30ish. Ahh, those wonderful sleepless summer nights. Here we go again and yet I wouldn't trade it for the world. Gimme patience mucho mucho patience.

Head fog

I have been sick as a dog for days. I am so congested! It hurt to even turn my head on the pillow. Yesterday I couldn't even open my eyes. Everything from my nose up was just plain stuffed and sore. I am marginally better today. Still stuffed but not as sore and therefore able to drag myself to work to catch-up and then rest this weekend.

Rest - hah! I have the CLAST exam to take tomorrow morning. May the math gods smile down on me tomorrow morning. Of all the weekends...oh, well, it is what it is. The entire test is like 41/2 hours so I'll take a few pencils, a box of tissues and many cough drops and hope for the best.

Then Sunday I will have to go see my grandmother for our weekly visit because well because she's my GM and I have to. enough said.

In between all that I hope to get some rest and plenty of fluids so that I can be ready for next week and catch-up with everything I missed this week. Gimme patience!

Brand Spanking New!

That's my new car! It's fantabulous! I love it! That's even the right color! Woo Hoo! Momma's got a brand new car!

Wheels

I am going car shopping this weekend! We have GOT to get another car because I have places to go and things to do and its hard to get the car with teenagers in the house. I don't want to spend the summer sharing a car with 2 teenage boys. It's hard enough to share with one! Gimme patience!

Summertime

It's Memorial Day Weekend. Where I grew up that was the beginning of summer! The community pools opened (no one had private pools) and we were all there Saturday morning waiting for the lifeguard to come open up at 10am. The water was cold but we didn't give a hoot. It was summertime! Mothers would come down with sandwiches and command us to come out and eat a few hours later and then we'd get back in the water until closing. Sunday we did it all again! and Monday we'd be there first thing because we didn't have all day. We were going to be dragged out of the pool soon to be taken to a parade and then BBQ. Honestly, we just wanted it to be done with to get back in the pool. I mean the parade was nice and the food was good. But we couldn't wait to be handed our popsicles that we ate walking back to the pool. It would melt and drip all down our arms but we didn't care becasue we were going to jump in the pool to clean off.

After the first week we slowed down a bit and only went to the pool after lunch. All the moms took the babies in the morning. They were everywhere. Don't jump over here because of the babies. Children stop splashing like that you are gong to drown the babies. They would get on our last nerve. So, we gave them the pool in the morning and took it over in the afternoon. Now, when I say took over I mean took over. This was a very large pool, it was for an entire community but we monopolized it in the afternoons and played Marco Polo and had relay races and diving competitions and who can make the biggest cannonball splash competitions and who can keep their legs straight while doing a handstand under water competitions and on and on.

Before lunch it depended on which mom was watching us what we could do. One mom made us read. She made us read real books the funny papers didn't count. Ugh! It was horrible. And she knew all the books and would ask you things about it to make sure that you had actually read. Awful. Another mom would let us just watch TV and play quietly. We just had to be quiet because she was always tired (in my adult years I realize now she was always hung over). The girls would play Barbie and the boys would play GI Joe. It would all be good until the boys invariably launched an invasion on the Barbie townhouse and we'd scream and get kicked out fo the house to go be outside. Another mom didn't want us underfoot and we had to be outside and getting fresh air. So, we'd be on the playground or we'd play baseball using trees and shrubs as bases.

Summers were great. The morning set depending on the mom in charge, afternoons in the pool until sundown and then stay up late because who needs to go to bed early in the summer. NO ONE, there's no school! I wish I could do some of that again. Those were the days, the lazy days of summer.

Pretty in Pink

I like color. I realize that you wouldn't know it anymore looking at my wardrobe or honestly even looking around my house. Hubby isn't as into color as I am and therefore most of the house just blends together but that's another story.

I started thinking about color again a while back when sitting at a restaurant for breakfast a woman more robust than I walked in chatting happily with some friends, I guess. She was wearing a pink dress and strappy sandals. When I say pink, I mean hot pink, really bright hot pink. The dress was made of a jersey fabric that didn't flow but was clinging to her rotund body pronouncing all of her rolls and I have no clue how she didn't topple over or cut off her circulation with the straps that were cutting into her ankle and her feet and toes pouring over the poor soles. I watched her walk in and not fit into the booth she was directed to and ask for a chair to be set at the end of the booth. She sat at the end, her friends sat on either side of the booth.

I was a tad dumbstruck not at her size but at her attire. I couldn't imagine wearing that. Then I looked around and most of the patrons were pretty colorless. There was one floral print but even that was toned down with a lot of pastels. Then I thought - this is sad! I used to wear those colors. I even asked hubby, Remember the suit I had that was that hot pink color? He did. I wore that suit, a long sleeve jacket and short skirt that was hot pick. The jacket had big gold buttons and I wore it with a silk scarf that was a floral print with hot pink, royal blue and very bright green.

That made me think of other colors I used to wear. There was a killer red suit with black and gold buttons and a yellow suit that I probably could have worn for Halloween to be a sunflower. I had a royal blue dress that had a full flowing skirt and I even used to wear a dress that was purple with white polka dots. I had lots of color. It all went away. I'm not sure when exactly but I think it had to do with my weight. So, in an attempt to remedy that because color makes me happy. I have purchased a few items with color. I bought a pair of crop pants in not black but BROWN! and I bought some tops, brown, grey, red, light pink and I even bought a pink pullover. It's not hot pink, I'm ready for that but it's not a pastel either. I also bought a pair of brown sandals. Hey, baby steps people. I am going to get color back into my life.

I am even discussing paint colors for different rooms in the house with hubby and well you already know the car we bought is not white as most of our cars have always been but Glacier Blue with a grey interior.

So, look out people, here comes some color!

Wait! It's raining!

As you know I didn't grow up here in South Florida where during the rainy season it rains every afternoon. I grew up in Northern Virginia where you know weather sticks around for a few days and then goes on to harass some other part of the country.



I would visit Miami in December and be told not to wash my hair because it's too cold outside. HUH? Are you crazy? Does that mean that half the world doesn't wash their hair for half the year? In Virginia I could shower, bathe and wash my hair regardless of the temperature outside.



When I moved here way back when and I used to take a bus to work. This was nothing new to me I commuted to high school on public transportation taking 2 buses and a subway. No biggie. One day I am leaving the office and go through the doors of the building to find a mass of people standing there. Just standing there. I thought something had happened, so I patiently waited for maybe 3 minutes. When I couldn't hear anything going on I asked, What happened? It's raining I was told. HUH? And did someone fall? No. What's everyone waiting for? It's raining, I was told again. They were waiting for it to stop. HUH? Now, I realize that we aren't all postal workers or anything that must go on through rain, sleet and snow yadda yadda but people it's water. It's not going to hurt you unless of course you are the Wicked Witch of the West, if that's the case by all means wait inside until the rain passes. I elbowed my way to the front of the crowd and horror of horrors walked in the rain to my bus stop. Imagine. I did not melt or burst into flames.



Now, I told you all that to tell you this. Last night was my coffee night with my girlfriends and only 3 of us showed up. Why? Because it was raining. Here we go again. You aren't walking over, you are driving in your car where you will be inside dry. I understand that maybe you want to wait a few minutes if it got particularly rough in your neighborhood momentarily. I mean I have been living here for +20 years, I've heard the rain excuse before. So, we waited and waited and they didn't show. Amazingly one, God Bless her!, got in her car (remaining dry because she has a porte-cochere) and got @15 blocks when she decided to turn around and go home. She called to tell us that she turned around because it was raining too much and there were puddles everywhere. I had no words. I could only laugh. I doubt we will ever let her live it down. I can hear us 20 years from now when it starts to sprinkle "Be careful with the puddles!"



I've said it before and I will say it again, you can't make this stuff up! I love my friends they add confort and joy to my life even when they don't show up for coffee.

It's time.

16 and I had our first evening alone. I know we weren't alone we were together but you know what I mean. No hubby. He's never been on a business trip. I have. I have never been at home on my own for any extended period of time until now. I'm thinking it's about time. I did live by myself before we were married but that was a lifetime ago.


16 specifically asked me NOT to wake him in the morning. He says he looses approx. 3 or 4 minutes of sleep every morning because hubby wakes him up on the way to the kitchen. I agreed to let him get up on his own if he let me get up on my own. Cool deal.


I showered in the evening and so I was going to be able to sleep a little longer in the morning. I set my alarms for 6:15 and 6:30am. All's good. I easily went to sleep as usual around midnight and slept like a baby until... I dunno what time it was but it wasn't 6:15 yet!

This morning hubby's horridly loud alarm went off. I don't know what time it was because I don't sleep with my glasses on and couldn't see the clock. ARGHHH! I forgot to turn of hubby's alarm clock and it rang earlier than I needed, I smacked it on the top. Quiet, good, sleep. And it rang again. Oh, for the love of down pillows!, I banged it again. Quiet, good, deep breathe, try to sleep, and it rang again! Apparently, banging it on the top merely activates the snooze setting and it kept ringing every 9 minutes until I finally pulled the plug out of the wall. Ahhh, now I could sleep again. NOT! It was now actually time for me to get up because MY alarm now rang. Fine! Whatever! I was getting a headache anyway from all the alarms ringing.

2-1/2 weeks

Hubby is jetting off to the Big Easy today for 2 1/2 weeks for work. I'm hoping that this time apart will bring us closer together. I already noticed a few things the past few days that make me think it might just happen that way. I don't know. We'll see. I have been scanning airfare to see if I can go up for Memorial weekend and maybe we could have a mini-vacation just the 2 of us. I don't know. We'll see. It's really not that long, 2-1/2 weeks.
When I told hubby that this time apart may bring us closer. He looked skeptical and I told him that old line that goes something like - If its love, set it free and it will come back to you- and he countered with - Out of sight, out of mind. We talked a little bit about it and I don't know, we'll see how things feel later, I guess.

I snuck in a List of Things To Do in his bag. I attached this list to a picture of the whole family from when we went to Key West last year. Here's the list.
1) Work lots and make lots of extra $. :)
2) Go sightseeing and find some places you want to show me.
3) Stroll Bourbon street, people watch and find a place to take me.
4) Try something new and tell me all about it.
5) Find and buy a birthday present for your wife.
6) Have FUN!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch I have an agenda full of things to do and I am trying to prioritize them and squeeze in some quality one-on-one time with 16. It's just the 2 of us and one car so we have to coordinate all our errands, obligations, responsibilities and socializing. It's the end of the school year for him so there are many events and projects and much studying for finals that's going on during this time.

It should be an interesting couple of weeks.

An Egg? Really?

Well, Hilda's question got me thinking. I have no clue why Humpty is an egg. I had never questioned it before. I simply accepted that Humpty was an egg. Why shouldn't I? The egg was everywhere. Were we all just brainwashed into thinking Humpty was an egg by some random artist and has this farce been perpetuated throughout the years by educators and publishers everywhere? The rhyme doesn't say anything about an egg. So, why IS Humpty Dumpty portrayed as an egg? Thank goodness for the Internet. I would have given up searching for the answer if I would have had to go through how many books trying to research the answer. Too much work. But after some simple surfing around, the short of the long of it is that it was originally a rhyming riddle and the answer is an egg. Cool. So, there you go that's why Humpty is an egg.

Click below for further info:

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1494/why-is-humpty-dumpty-portrayed-as-an-egg-even-though-eggs-arent-mentioned-in-the-nursery-rhyme

Book review

I ordered the cutest book for my niece and my nephew. One arrived in the mail yesterday and I really like it. If either of them finds it interesting I will probably buy more of her books.

What REALLY Happened to Humpty? (from the files of a hard-boiled detective)

It's Mother Goose meets old school mystery and reads like a film noir short story that I think the kids will enjoy. Joe Dumpty, Humpty's brother, who was never Mother's favorite is the detective. He goes through questioning various nursery rhyme characters garnering clues and establishing a timeline. There are no muffins to be found because the muffin man is missing, every one felt the wind huff and puff, the 3 pigs newest house blew down etc etc. I think it's a wonderful story to introduce them to the mystery genre in a non-scary way. It even sets you up for future mysteries as Joe hunts that Mary keeps him busy finding her sheep.

Movie Review

This weekend our Netflix movie was There Will Be Blood. Let me start by saying that Daniel Day Lewis' portrayal of the turn of the century self-made oil man was tremendous. That's about the only nice thing I can say about the movie. It was terrible. It was 2 hours and 38 minutes that I could have spent doing something productive like sleeping or cleaning behind my refrigerator.

Let me try to elaborate. I hated the ending. The acting was good. The look and feel of the movie was good. I mean visually and not just the country scenery but even at the beginning when he is in the well digging and climbing in and out. I don't know how many minutes go by with not a word spoken just the sights and sounds of his daily work. Excellent, they've hooked me but honestly, I felt the story was lacking. It didn't flow. It was too disjointed for me. Not enough information was given. I actually turned to hubby twice and said I was confused and asked him a question and he would just answer I don't know making me frustrated with the film. I what I knew had to be towards the end there's a major scene and I am expecting more out of it as the camera starts to pan away and I exclaim - it CANNOT end like this!- right as the screen goes black. OMG! I totally hated the ending! Totally!
Don't spend any money on this, it will be on cable soon enough.
Next in the queue is: Quantum of Solace, the newest James Bond movie. What can I do? I have boys.

Cool Quotes

I discovered I always have choices and sometimes it's only a choice of attitude.
-- Judith M. Knowlton


I need to seriously work on an attitude adjustment. That's my weekend project.

Flowers for who?

I promise this blog isn't going to turn into a recount of all my dieting and exercising BUT I walked again yesterday about a mile because I walked to the Florist to order flowers. That's right, instead of getting in the car and driving over I walked, placed the order and then walked home. 19, who is the middle of exams, asked me to order some flowers for GF for prom (not a corsage) and flowers for GF mom and GM for Mother's Day. Of course, I'm thinking and what about me? No flowers for me? Oh well, at least he's making a good impression on the GF family. So, I walked over and ordered all the flowers and bought myself some hydrangeas. Some blue and white ones. They are beautiful. So big and full. I never buy flowers because they always seem like an extravagance and I think I should be spending the money on something else but I was there buying for everyone else and since I've been in a funk what the heck. I bought myself flowers.
So that you get how strange a happening it was when I got home hubby and 16 didn't understand how the 3 flowers that I had put in my vase were going to last until next weekend for 19 to give to them. Since I bought 3 flowers, they thought those 3 flowers were going to be given to GF, her mom and GM. What in the world?! What dunderheads! He's going to hand each of them a hydrangea! OH, for Pete's sake! The 3 of us went around in a circle of conversation the likes of which the 3 stooges made movies of until they got that those were mine. I bought them for me NOT for him to give away. Since planning ahead is a foreign concept to them, it took them a while to get that the other flowers were ordered ahead of time to be given at a later date.
Apparently, I still have some work to do on 16 but at least 19 is thinking ahead. Gimme patience.

coffee and crying

With a headache and bleary-eyed I am drafting this before I head to work. I'm not sure how much I slept last night. I know that I dozed off and on but it feels like I only slept a few minutes before that dang alarm rang this morning.
Coffee with some girlfriends last night was serendipitous. Earlier in the evening to be honest I didn't feel like going but I was giving someone else a ride and felt quasi-obligated. Our conversation went around to paranormal and to funerals and the passing of ourselves and loved one - without me telling any of them about the funk I have been in nor of the correlation that hit me about my mother's death and age. I hugged them and told then that it had been cathartic our coffee time together. Truly I already felt a little better. I felt lighter, a bit at peace. I don't know why. There were no new revelations about anything, no insights garnered. Just talking and listening to my girlfriends. It was good. I was, and am, very glad I went.
I then went home and just let my thoughts wander and roam backwards and forwards in time (mostly backward) and I cried. And cried. I dozed. And I cried.
This morning. It's hard to explain. I am tired, drained but at the same time lighter. It's the oddest thing. My head is throbbing in pain but I feel relief at the same time.
****
When I got to the office I sent an email to advise that soon I was taking a day off for some more doctor appointments. As I typed out the email I realized the appointments are on the anniversary of my mother's passing. A chill went up my spine and then I started laughing, the irony is not lost on me at all. I think it is more on the freaky side of things but there ya go.
So, how this all explains the way I've been feeling? I dunno. How do I get past all this? I dunno. One day at a time, I guess. Gimme patience and thank God for my girlfriends who were there for me and didn't even know it.

and then it hit me!

I figured it out! I think I know why I have been so doom and gloom lately and everything is forced fun. I am turning 44 this year. I know not a milestone for most people. And it's not an age thing, it's just a number. Birthdays and the idea of getting older has never bothered me. Here's the thing: 44 was how old my mother was when she passed away. I think that nugget of information is wreaking havoc in my brain and my emotions.
It hit me yesterday when I was sitting at the Cuban cooking class talking with my girlfriends and their moms about their caring for their grandmothers and I could relate because I am dealing with the same issues with my grandmother and one asked me 'what about your mom?' I told her that she had passed away 22 years ago and it hit me right there. I had to go to the ladies room to shed a few tears and deal with the impact of the realization. I haven't thought about it a lot since then. I am trying to keep it under a lid until I have time to break down. I didn't sleep well last night. I kept waking up thinking about my mother and for the first time it wasn't comforting. It was stressful. I woke up with a pain in my jaw going up to my head from I guess sleeping with my jaws clenched.
I need to schedule a chunk of me-time when I can give this a thorough thinking through and cry uncontrollably without scaring anyone. Maybe tomorrow. It's got to be soon 'cuz well, just cuz.

Walking

In case you haven't met me. I am overweight. Fine. I will 'say' it, according to the definition I am obese. There it is. Of course, I have known this for years. It's not like I can't see myself and I don't own a mirror. Regardless, it's not fun to say which means it bears saying again. I am obese. I need to loose weight. A large amount of weight. I am not prepared yet to put that figure in writing. Suffice it to say that it's a 3 digit number. Exactly. Ugh!.

So, here I am publicly saying these things because I need to force myself to do something about it. I have always been relatively healthy. But the past couple of years although my traditional Western medicine doctor said everything was fine my Doctor of Oriental Medicine (DOM) said that I was borderline. His range is more narrow than the range western docs use and so I already knew that I was leaning towards the usual stuff that goes with my obesity such as high blood pressure and diabetes. I have not been officially diagnosed with either yet but this year my Western medicine doctor said that I was pre-all these things. So, I need to act now to see if its not too late to prevent them.

I need to eat healthier more importantly eat less and exercise. Now, I have been on a bajillion diets in my lifetime since jr. high and I can attest to the fact that every single one works. You loose weight on all of them. I have lost hundreds if not thousands of pounds. The problem is I keep finding them and a few more each time I stop said diet. I need to just eat less because even too much of a good thing is not good.

So, in that vein a few minor changes were immediately made. I bought 2% milk for my morning cafe con leche. I am cleaning out the cupboard of bad (starchy) veggies such as peas which I seem to have a lot of and get rid of the fruit juice. When given the choice I'd rather eat my sugar not drink it thank you. I even measured out the rice for dinner and in prepping the leftovers for lunch.

Now, let's not all get crazy here. I have done it for 2 days. WooHoo! I know. Talk to me in a week or a month and we'll see. Anyway, I have to start.

The big news is yesterday I walked. I actually changed my clothes when I got home from work in stead of plopping in front of the TV to absorb the A/C and walked for 45 minutes. My son says that my route was just shy of 2 miles. He's the runner, he should know I really didn't care. I was exhausted and gratefully absorbing the A/C propped up against the sofa on the cold tile floor when he was calculating. Actually, he was very supportive. He gave me his old iPod, loaded like 60 songs on it while I changed and showed me how to work it before I set out. He checked the time before I left and said he didn't want to see me for at least 1/2 hour that I didn't even need to take keys, he'd be there. Sweet huh?

Today is day 2 and I already didn't have my oatmeal fro breakfast (which really fills me). I had a bagel that someone brought in for the office. That's the bad news. I guess the good news is in the past I would have had 3, one for breakfast, one for snack and one with lunch. I have only had the one for breakfast and now I had the lunch I prepared from home. I have a banana for snack later and then only dinner to worry about.

I plan on walking again when I get home today even though there was a point yesterday I didn't think I'd make it but in my head I just keep saying, you can't just stop and sit down here, you have to get home. We'll see how far I get. It's hot out. It was hot yesterday but gratefully there was an occasional breeze that helped a bit. I may try another route. I think we need more shade trees in my neighborhood. I'm just saying the heat and the sun in these parts is brutal.

I have been thinking about setting some goals to keep me motivated and on track maybe a few big ones and a bunch of little ones. I don't know. We'll see. I need to think about it some more.

Hot hot hot!

As you saw, I had lots of plans for the weekend and as usual life is a moving target and so I did some and not others.


First, the Alvin Ailey show on Friday night was phenominal. It was like food for my soul. I had a wonderful time. It just made me feel all warm and fuzzy and good. It was beautifula nd awesome in every way. Of course, as usual it made me wish I could get up and move like that. Afterwards we went to get some food for our bodies at Versailles which yummy and fun, as always.


Saturday I ran my errands and did the birthday shopping for my niece, visited my GM but I did not go to the Farmer's Market because the one I planned on going to ended in March. I will find anouther one soon. Saturday night took us to The Palm for dinner. It was far but the food was good. I'm glad we went but is it ever pricey so really, if I'm paying I don't need to go again. If your paying, take me I'll sacrifice myself and eat something.

As an appetizer we shared an order of Lump Crab Cocktail which was lovely. With it came a basket of saltine crackers and what looked like a fish spread. Since I tend to like everything, I served myself a liberal amount of spread on a cracker and had at it. All oxygen was sucked out of me and out my ears and the heat went down to my core and then back up the back of my throat to the tip of my nose and my optical nerve making my eyes water. As quickly as I could I stuffed the second saltine cracker in my mouth and with great effort forced myself to move my jaw up and down in a chewing motion to down the cracker. When I could breathe again I took a small sip of wine and a deep breath. Hubby who is always leary of new foods only dipped the tip of the tines of his fork into the spread and his eyebrows shot up when he tried it. He asked, What is that?! I, still trying to collect bring my breathing to normal levels, calmly said, horseradish! Bwahahaha! Serves me right for diving in like that. It has been said before and that only proves the point. I will die by mouth. I swear if I would have exhaled, dragon fire would have come out of my mouth. I am telling you I loaded it on the cracker.

Next, was the salad course. Hubby had the ceasar salad which he said was good. I had a hearts of palm salad served with wedged tomatoes, hard boiled egg and some kalamata olives on a bed of green leaf lettuce and a dressing of oil and balsamic vinegar.

The main course was NY strip for hubby and Filet Mignon for me. Both were cooked perfectly medium well and medium rare, respectively. Mine was like butter. Very tasty. The family-style sides we ordered were hash browns and sauteed asparagus with garlic. The harshbrowns were nice and crunchy on the outside and sofe and tender on the inside. the aspragus was perfect and the whole garlic cloves melted in my mouth.

For dessert we shared a slice of key lime pie which was uber-rich, homemade with condensed milk. Fresh whipped cream topeed witha strawberry was on the side. I had coffee to help it all go down.

Again, it was all good but very pricey. Good steak can be had for less. I'm glad we had a gift card that covered more than half the bill.

Sunday was going to be lazy day at home but I ended up meeting SIL and MILs to go to her niece's house and look at photo albums of the pictures taken of her 15s back in December. It was a nice afternoon. then it was home to watch Tivo, fix dinner and relax.

Monday was a lot more of nothing stressfull, just TV and magazine reading.

I need more days like the past few, horseradish and all. LOL!

Weekend things

Lot's going on this weekend to top off what has been a busy week.

I am super excited about tonight. I am going with a friend to see Alvin Ailey. I haven't seen them since I was a teenager and that was only a dress rehearsal not an actual show. I am really looking forward to that.

Saturday, I have some shopping to do for birthday presents, I want to go to a farmers market, I have to visit my GM, I want to make Mother's Day cards and then its dinner reservations at The Palm.

Sunday I hope to do some sewing, some photo organizing, some closet cleaning and some cooking. All home stuff that makes me happy. We'll see how much of all that I actually get done but for now I will look forward to Alvin Ailey tonight!

Cool Quote

The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or, more correctly, being loved in spite of yourself.
-Victor Hugo

Tax man cometh!

Hope you got your taxes in on time! This is not a good day for most people. But it's working for me. For the first time we filed electronically this year. Woo Hoo! This year we are also getting an unexpected refund. Can I head another Woo HOO!? Thank you son for going to college and getting us that needed tax credit. Woo Hoo!

So, now the money that we had budgeted to pay the taxes is sitting there. But have no fear we already found something to spend it on. Car repairs. OK, so this all worked out. I am grateful that we have the money to repair the car because it's the only car we have. The other transportation we have is hubby work truck which is not supposed to be used for personal use. So, the car needs to be taken care of and the previously set aside tax $ will be used to pay for it.

More good news. Today is my dad's girlfriend's bday. I always remember it because hey, it's tax day who could forget. I have to call her. Hopefully I won't forget to do that.

And even more good news. The car repairs seem to be all done and guess what the total cost has been less that what was budgeted for the taxes. So, it looks like we actually came out ahead there. WOO HOO! Now we get to think of what to do with the rest of it. Fun! I have to convince hubby to donate some of it in thanks for the refund and for the affordable car repairs. I have to think. Maybe I can find a cause that would interest him. Gotta think.

Also good today is that I am meeting up with a friend after work and we are going to a presentation about Cuban Art. I honestly know nothing about the subject and am really looking forward to going.

It's a good day!

Bus Stops & Crosswalks

I wonder if the county school department of transportation even knows what the definition of words like bus stop and crosswalk. On my way to work I occasionally get to witness a pet peeve of mine that well starts my day with my panties all in a bunch.

I realize that I grew up in a different era, that things change yadda yadda but pretty much safety measures only get more stringent over time not more lax. I also know the driving rules and know that not everyone follows them. I know that when a bus stops ALL the cars around it are supposed to stop too. Both the traffic next to and oncoming. Fine. I'm also going to acknowledge that children can cross the street to get on a bus. Fine. But, and here's the rub, they should be crossing at a valid intersection, a crosswalk, you know a place were it is correct, legal and safe to be crossing the road because the bus should be stopped at a corner or at a bus stop waiting for them not in the middle of the street right before the train tracks making them cross 3 lanes of traffic, two of them oncoming including crossing a median on a main traffic street! HELLO! Can you say JAYWALKING!?I don't care how old the kids are it's wrong.

I realize that jaywalking is not a stringently prosecuted but should the county school board really be encouraging it by designing bus routes that require it? Give me a break. I tried to search on the Internet the bus routes and any rules and guidelines but it was taking too long and I wasn't finding what I wanted so I came here to complain about it.

Let's see what is the definition of jaywalking? Well, according to wikipedia, its: an informal term used to refer to illegal or reckless pedestrian crossing of a roadway. Examples include a pedestrian crossing between intersections (outside a crosswalk, marked or unmarked) without yielding to drivers and starting to cross a crosswalk at a signalized intersection without waiting for a permissive indication to be displayed. In the Unites States, state statutes generally reflect the Uniform Vehicle Code in requiring drivers to yield the right of way to a pedestrians at crosswalks; at other locations, crossing pedestrians are either required to yield to drivers or, under some conditions, are prohibited from crossing.

OK. Fine. Technically the kids aren't jaywalking because they are standing there, yielding to the traffic until everyone decides to stop for them and then they cross in between intersections across 3 lanes over a median to get to their bus. Still, it's wrong. It shouldn't be that way. Go to the corner, cross at the intersection, the bus could always turn into their complex (oh, the horror) and simply have them cross the street in there.

OK. Enough venting for one morning. Can you tell this is a pet peeve of mine. Hubby gets to hear it every time we see it happen. This is one time where he actually agrees with me. I'm taking a deep breath now and going to get my morning coffee. Gimme patience.

Another New Project

I am not going list the piles of photos waiting to be scrapped or the stacks of fabric waiting to be cut and sewn into dresses and blouses not the stacks of magazines waiting to be culled or the bag of scraps waiting to become a quilt or needless to say the stacks and piles of book to be read. Instead I am going to ell you about a new project I feel must be done (read: started). Gathering and organizing recipes. Why, should this be done now? Because I lost or shall I say can't find because it's probably buried or attached or stuck in some cookbook somewhere a recipe. My carrot cake recipe. It was a photo copy of a handwritten recipe card of the wife of someone that hubby used to work with. I've had it and been making it for Easter for I don't know maybe 10, 12 years until this Easter. I couldn't find it anywhere. I spent 4 evenings looking for it. Nada. I remember most of the ingredients but not the measurements and so began my search on the Internet. Gratefully, I found what I thought was a comparable recipe. Crisis averted. The key to this recipe is baby food. It makes it sooo moist and yummy. I made it and am told that it was a success. I don't particularly like carrot cake but I tried it and it wasn't horrible so that would be good for everyone else.

Now, I realize I don't have babies and don't buy baby food on a regular basis but let me just say Boy! have things changed! I remember their being 3 stages of food and 2 maybe 3 brands. Stage 1 was completely strained, 2 was strained but a few little chucks to start giving them some texture and maybe learn to chew a bit but they really didn't have to if they didn't want to and 3 they had to chew if was babied down real food. Now there are like 1/2 dozen brands including organic and since its on the same shelf space the variety has been greatly reduced. I could not find my stage 2 carrots! I needed strained with little bits in it. Not happening! Only strained carrots were to be found. So, I ended up grating real carrots AND using the baby food to get the texture I wanted in the cake. More work than I had bargained for but apparently worth it.

I was given an altered composition book quite some time ago designed to put family recipes in but honestly I haven't used it because its so pretty. I have only stuffed it with the scraps of paper that I find recipes on after the family has tried and approved them into the pages of the book. It's like I don't want to mess up the book by actually writing on the pages. I want to leave the possibility for fantasticness. If I write in it then the magic of how great it could be will be gone and then what?! I had this same problem as a kid with my Disney princess coloring books. I would color the entire book except for the one introducing the princess in her dress. I could never bring myself to color the dress because I might mess it up. What if I didn't pick the bestest combination of colors, shade it right, color it even, make it beautiful enough? If I colored it, it would be a done deal. As long as it remained uncolored the possibility for unsurpassed beauty, creativity and the perfect princess dress were still an option.

So, I am going to bite the bullet and write in and put tried and true recipes in the book that was made for me with love for that purpose. At least that's the idea for the new project. I'll let you know how it goes.

Packing for the Beach...

What do you need to go to the beach? My son is on Spring Break and met up with friends this morning for breakfast and from there they are heading to the beach.
The girls got up early and called all the boys to make sure they were up and going to be on time for the meet.
The girls went to pick up a friend and the grocery store to buy needed supplies before going to the meet.
The girls made sandwiches - peanut butter and jelly because it's Good Friday and they can't eat meat- with the jelly and bread they bought at aforementioned grocery trip.
The girls packed a cooler with ice for soda and water and cups (also just purchased).
The girls packed the car with chairs and a bag with towels and sunscreen.
The girls probably also packed other things, I am missing here but it was all on their list that they wrote last night and left on the counter so they would all be in sync and not forget any crucial items. The girls also had to get up early to get the list done.

My son got up (on his own, the girls called AFTER he was up-thank God for small favors), did his business in the bathroom, fed the dog, packed a sports bag with his wallet, a dry change of clothes, grabbed a beach towel, put on his bathing suit, t-shirt and sandals and was ready to go.

And us women complain that men are useless. I say we create these monsters and have no one to blame but ourselves. Alas, the cycle continues. I'm not saying its necessarily bad. I'm just saying, don't complain later.

A New Year

Hubby and I have been having some ups and downs or I guess it would be better described as down and ups with the ups never quite coming back up to speed. Anyway, I am exhausted mentally and emotionally this morning because yesterday we had one of those talks. You know the ones, the ones where you talk/rant/cry for hours. I'm so drained. I hope some good comes out of it. We've basically agreed to give it (read:us) one more try. He even set a deadline. One Year. So a year from now we will either be happy/content enough to be forever or we will separate and move on.
I realize that we have said this type of thing before. We have said that we are going to try certain things and it never lasts very long. But this time the difference is that there's a finite end, a finish line if you will at which time progress will be measured. See, hubby is a numbers guy and it may help if he has those concrete things, tangible goals, dates etc. Let's see how this experiment in us goes. You may hear about it, you may not. It depends on my mood.
I don't expect everything to be peaches and cream all the time. Honest, that's not my expectation of a marriage. I know that nothing can maintain a perpetual high. And I am not blaming hubby for the way things are. I acknowledge my part in this dance and so I am going to do what he asks and give it this year of reconnecting -- it takes two to tango.
Maybe I'll start this afternoon by letting him in on my words for the year: comfort & joy. Today I wish I had a few more hours of sleep to recharge from last night.

The gift of go out and do something.

I had so much fun this weekend buying things! I didn't buy things to clutter a table or closet. I bought things to go do things. I love it!

It was friend's 50th birthday. I didn't get him a shirt or picture frame. I got him a gift card at a great Argentine restaurant so that he could go out and celebrate with dinner. Love it!

Then there was a sale at the Performing Arts Center and I went to buy tickets for a show for MIL for Mother's Day and ended up buying her 2 tickets, hubby's aunt 2 tickets, myself 2 tickets for another show, Fuerza Bruta, on my birthday and 2 tickets for me and a friend to see Alvin Ailey. I had a blast just buying the tickets. Imagine how much fun I will have going to the show.
Plus all the tickets were Buy one Get one Free. Well, except for Alvin Ailey but the rest were. So, how could I NOT get them. I had to. They practically forced me. You weren't there honest. I just couldn't say no. I am so looking forward to it.
Woo Hoo!

Economic update!

Why we are were we are in this global economic mess has been blamed on many things. Bubbles bursting, unfunded mortgages, lack of corporate lending yadda yadda.

So, I have one question for the credit providing companies. WHY ARE YOU SENDING MY STILL DEPENDENT 19 YEAR OLD COLLEGE STUDENT WHO HAS STUDENT LOANS AND A WORK STUDY JOB CREDIT CARD APPLICATIONS? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be yelling. I know it's rude but really truly this week alone he got 4, yes four, applications. One of them guaranteeing him a $10k limit. HUH?! People, he can barely pay for gas and only covers meals when it's off the dollar menu.

And by the way, you can stop sending me mortgage refinance letters too. I thought there was a credit crunch. What the heck is going on here? Why are they throwing credit at him and not people who need it to make payroll, so that the employees can make their credit card payments?I have never said I was a numbers girls but these really don't add up for me. I am very very confused.

Sad but romantic

Some friends of a friend. Really, I don't know these people, passed away over the weekend. A husband and wife. The husband who was 91 was the caretaker of his wife, 83 who was sickly. He was in perfect health. He passed away last week. He just up and had a heart attack and passed away. Their 12 children live all over the US and were all coming to Miami for their father's services on Sunday and then to decide how to take care of mom. Well, Sunday morning their mom died. She didn't even make it to the services. How sad is that? Her kids are consoled with the idea that he took her with him, that she had only been holding on for him, that once she realized he was gone, she gave up. They say she kept mumbling 'what's the point, why' for the last 2 days. It's as if she died of a broken heart. She couldn't bear living without him. I thought that kind of love was only in the movies but maybe that's just art imitating life.
I have been thinking about this story for a couple of days now, since my friend told me the story. It's really touched me. It's like haunting me. I don't think I wonder if many people have that kind of love. Maybe I'm just being sappy and romantic. Is it weird to romanticize their deaths that way? I'm not sure that I have that kind of love. It's just had me thinking a lot, so I needed to write it out. I think its comforting to think they are together for eternity.